We've had a rough morning Alex and I. Since he woke up this morning he's been a big emotional volcano. Constant crying and tantrums despite the fact that we went on what was supposed to be a fun outing to the farm with some friends, he spent the entire two hours we were there in constant meltdown mode. Nothing made him happy. Not a new toy tractor (which only lasted an hour before it broke), not a pony ride, not a wagon ride, not seeing chickens or goats or llamas. He didn't want to play with his friends (highly unusual), he didn't want to do anything but collapse in a boneless sobbing heap every five minutes. He was miserable for unknown reasons and no amount of cuddling, candy, toys or friends would console him.
I suspect he's picking up on my own stress and frustration and being two and a half, he doesn't know how to express his emotions other than to completely loose it occasionally. I've actually noticed something was going on with him for a while now because he's become inseparable from his favorite blankies and sucking his thumb constantly, where previously those were strictly nightime/naptime comforts. No matter how hard I try, I know I'm showing much less patience with him and it's painfully obvious I don't have the energy to keep up with him anymore. This is not how I want to spend my last couple of weeks alone with my first boy.
I don't know if this will make any sense, but when I talk about being miserable this pregnancy, it's not so much the pregnancy that's making me miserable, it's that I'm not able to be the mom I should be to Alex, and that makes me miserable. Being sore and tired and huge and cumbersome isn't fun, but taken alone, it's manageable. Being all those things while trying to chase after a very energetic two year old is downright exhausting and nearly impossible some days. I so want to chase him around the park and pick him up and help him pretend he's an airplane. I want to get on the ground and build mud pies with him and roll down grassy hills and play tag. Instead I hobble around frustratingly slow and I yell at him when he runs off ahead of me because I worry that I won't be able to catch him (I can barely keep up with him when I'm not pregnant). I rarely pick him up unless I have to because it's painful for me. The only time I really carry him around anymore is when he's in trouble and that makes us both grumbly.
I know the arrival of baby brother will bring new challenges, not the least of which will be sleeplessness and what will surely feel like non-stop breastfeeding. However, having the baby will give me the ability to get back to myself again physically. In fact, I've got big plans to get into much better shape (don't I always have big plans though). Just as much as I'm looking forward to meeting baby brother, I'm also looking forward to leaving baby brother with Daddy and taking my Alex out for some real fun with Mommy. We both need some real one on one time without the baby or the belly.
Let me know if you need any help with anything at all. Right now or after baby brother comes. I would love to help out in anyway I can. I am sorry you had a frustrating day. I would love to tell you that it will soon be all over but then you will just have new challenges, like you said. But along with the challenges come the joys, something to keep in mind. You seem like such a wonderful mother. Let me know!
ReplyDeleteIt is funny I was just talking to a friend at a play group yesterday who has two, she told me that she definitely feels that being pregnant and having a two year old was harder than having them both together to handle. I realize it is hard to hear right now in the thick of it, but things will get better and sooner than you realize.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Give yourself a flippin break and some credit, you are how pregnant, and still going on these huge outings. It is ok to be a little lazy at home, Alex may even enjoy the one on one attention that you can only give at home before baby brother comes. You may both be in better moods. And you are a stellar mom even when you don't have tons of fun entertainment for Alex. Having a tent in the living room to veg under with stories, snacks, coloring sticker books, etc. and definitely Mr. thumb and blankies sounds fun to me, you could even make John put a real tent up outside if the weather is good.
P.S.S. You better not try to be a hostess with the mostess when Lily and I come or we will have to stay at my Dad's and just visit.