When he's a rock star, you can say you knew him when...

Download Original composition by Alex Dillier (Quicktime)

Project Hot Mom: Ok, so I lied, I'm going to diet. Damnit.

Ok, so I know that mere weeks ago I swore off diets forever, vowing to love my fat ass and flabby arms.  I know I said that rather than go on a restrictive diet to try to change my shape, I could just learn to dress and accessorize better.  Well, seeing as how I just can't seem to find a pair of earrings that go with my cellulite, I'm beginning to feel like I'm ready to get back up on that diet wagon once again and give it another go.

Ugh...I'm going on another diet. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

So, Project Hot Mom is back in full swing. I'm going to start with some small monthly goals, and revise them each month based on how the last one went. 

August's Goal: Loose 10 lbs (this is agressive, I know, but I'm betting I've got about five pounds of water weight in my legs alone I can loose in a week or two.)

And how?

• Go to Curves three days per week



• Take Alex and Middie for a 30 minute walk 5 days per week



• Eat out only once per week



• No more vending machine purchases at work.  Eat fruit or yogurt for snacks instead



• Breakfast and lunches should be light



• I've already stocked my freezer with Suppertime Freezer Fillers, so dinners shouldn't be hard to do, just need to make sure I am careful with the side dishes.



• Drink water only.  No more soda.  The only exception being when we go out to dinner once a week, I'll allow myself to get a drink.



• Report on this blog my weekly progress (Eek! Accountability!)

I start tomorrow!  Wish me luck!

Five comfort foods

1) Spagehtti ohs with sliced franks
2) Lynn Wilson frozen bean and cheese burritos
3) "Jamie Nachos" which are crushed up tortilla chips with melted cheese mixed together with ketchup and eaten with a fork (John can't even watch me eat this, he thinks it's gross)
4) Ruffles and French Onion dip
5) Bear claws (the kind without almonds)

Today's lesson:

You can't get a good night's sleep when there's a 10 month old boy in your bed. 

Alex slept with us last night, I vaguely remember him crying in the middle of the night so I brought him back to bed with us.  He spent the entire time flopping around and making sure he cuddled with his daddy as much as he cuddled with me.  You have to admire his fairness, but I think I'd rather he'd have stayed on Daddy's side so I could get some sleep.

Evil teeth of doom

It's a little known fact that Superman has not one, but two weaknesses:  Kryptonite, and teething. 

The Boy, he's been teething again.  He's getting his top two front teeth.

It starts with drool.  Not just a little spit here and there.  Not even a constant trickle out the corner of his mouth.  This drool requires us to purchase extra flood insurance.  The kid, he's soaking wet all the time. Rivers of saliva running down his chin, neck and chest 24 hours a day.  Nothing is spared from the spit bath. Our sofa is soaked, there are puddles of spit on the hardwood floors... It's like we live with Slimer from the Ghostbusters.

Then there's the ear pulling. I was actually worried last night that he'd just yank his left ear right off his head.  The ear pulling turns into just a general face and cheek rubbing that eventually turns into all out cries and wails that can not be soothed.

They have things to help, you might say to me.  And I'll respond that we have the cold teething rings, the vibrating gum massager, orajel...  I'm telling you NOTHING HELPS!

And my baby boy, he's the best kid ever.  He'll take a lot before he actually starts complaining.  But last night he was restless, he was angry, he'd open up his mouth real wide and scream in my face, spit flying everywhere.  His poor gums were swollen and red and two sharp little nubbins were breaking the surface.

It breaks my heart that there's not much I can do for him other than hold him close and let him sob on my shoulder. Poor little dude.

10 months

Alex, today, you are 10 months old. In just two months we'll be celebrating your one year birthday. Kid, you're growing up way too fast and I really have to ask you to slow it down a notch.  Let me catch my breath. 

A quick update on what you're doing these days:

• Hands and knees crawling, FAST



• Walking along furniture



• Walking behind a moving object like a walk-behind toy or just some random thing you happen to be shoving forward



• "Talking" and "singing" but not using English yet



• You can clap, but instead of clapping with your palms together, you slap the top of one of your hands, both palms facing down.



• You can wave, but you do it reluctantly, and I suspect you think it's a stupid custom that's beneath you.



• You can say the words "Dada" "Daddy" "Mama" and "Doggie" but we're still not sure if you know what they mean. You also say "NEEEEE!" when you're frustrated or angry with me. I suppose it could be your version of "no Mommy"



• You don't like lumpy food. You'll eat Cheerios if I allow you to feed yourself, but if I try to feed you a pea or a noodle, you throw up. You're still eating pureed foods.



• I think you're a natural nudist. You hate having a diaper put on. I'd let you run around naked but your dad has a poop phobia and is convinced that if you are out of your diaper for any amount of time you'll poop and pee everywhere. He's probably right.



• You are a climber. You will climb up on anything and everything and have amazing balance.



• You love water and your nightly bath seems to be the highlight of your evening.  You always stick a foam number in your mouth immediately and it stays there for the duration of the bath.

Baby Boy, I love you so much! I feel so privileged to be your Mommy.

Home again

Well we're back from vacation.  This trip definitely had it's highs and lows.  It wasn't what I'd hoped it would be, but it wasn't bad either.  I think the worst thing was it was just so damn hot and humid and my grandmother doesn't have air conditioning, so we were wet and sticky the entire time.  And for reasons still unknown to me, we spent a lot of time getting lost.  At one point we found ourselves on a winding mountain road in the middle of the night trying to get ourselves from a beach in Orange County to my grandmother's in Fallbrook. I'm still unclear on how that happened.  But on the bright side, Alex had a great time with his Great Grandma and he even got to play with his cousins Vincent and Raquel.  John got to spend two days at the Geek Convention and we (John, Alex and I) got to spend some quality time as a family that we haven't had since Alex was a newborn.

I knew that our vacations would radically change when we had a baby.  In the old days John and I would go out on the town, eat at expensive restaurants and have great hotel sex every night.  We'd go to the beach and play in the ocean, we'd go shopping, we'd get drunk in the hotel bar, we'd stay up late watching bad cable shows and sleep in until noon.  Vacations were truly relaxing and fun and carefree.  This vacation, after schlepping a ridiculous amount of luggage from the airport to the car rental place to my grandmother's and then back again, we struggled with a broken stroller, Alex's skin allergies, off schedule feedings and naps, trying to navigate said broken stroller through hordes of sweaty geeks (at ComicCon), waking at 6AM like clockwork every morning for Alex's morning bottle and snuggles... it really felt more like work than vacation.

But, even though this wasn't the perfect vacation by my pre-Alex standards, this vacation offered memories I'll have forever:

• John trying (successfully!) to fix our broken stroller in a hot parking garage.



• John also handled the bulk of the baby wrangling which gave me the opportunity to watch my boys interacting.



• Alex's first reaction to the waves at the beach (laughing)



• John stopping dead in his tracks as we're walking back to the car from the beach and saying "I really love you"



• Driving (lost!) on a mountain road in the middle of the night thinking about how we'll probably break down and get killed by wild California bears and John, always the optimist, saying "Well, I'm sure this is a real scenic drive in the daytime"



• Getting to take morning "family naps" with Alex snuggled between us



• Watching Alex play with my grandma, her trying to teach him "patty cake" and him "helping" her pick oranges



• Feeling happy when we landed in Utah and felt the wonderful dry, dry heat.

Off we go!

We're about to embark on our very first vacation with The Boy. Normally, for a week long vacation, John and I can make do with one carry on each.  But for this trip, we'll both have two carry ons, plus we're checking two bags and a stroller.  Four of the six bags we're taking (plus the stroller) are for Alex.  AND, the minute we hit San Diego, we'll have to go straight to the store for diapers and food because I didn't want to pack that stuff. 

Now, I have a tendency to overpack anyway, but this just seems ridiculous.  I've gone over and over it, and yes, we have to take all this crap.  Here's the breakdown:

• Bag 1 (check):  All that is in this bag is his playpen. I'm going to try to shove some flip flops in there too, just so it doesn't seem so silly to have one whole bag with just a play pen.



• Bag 2 (check):  A portable high chair.  All of his bath stuff, including his medicated lotions, and hypoallergenic soaps (have to take all of this because of his super sensitive mutant eczema).  All of his clothes and jammies.  Bibs and baby spoons.  His ComicCon outfit (he's going to be dressed as Darth Vader).  Baby sunblock and beach towels.



• Bag 3 (carry on):  Toys. 



• Bag 4 (carry on):  Diaper bag full of supplies to last one day



• Bag 5 (carry on):  John's stuff



• Bag 6 (carry on):  My stuff



• Stoller (check)

So, I think that covers it.  I can't think of a single thing that we may need that I haven't already either packed or planned for.  Of course, as always we'll get there and find out I've forgotten our toothbrushes or something...

Five things you'll never hear me say

1) I'm going to be spending my vacation at a nudist colony!
2) Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up Honey, I really don't mind
3) I can't wait for my next episiotomy! 
4) Gee, I wonder how much it would cost to have a BDSM dungeon built in our basement.
5) Let's go see Celine Dion's show in Las Vegas!

Dreamland

So apparently I've begun to talk in my sleep.  Two nights in a row now, John has told me that I've woken him up with my jabbering and laughing in my sleep. Apparently Tuesday night I woke him up laughing and told him that Alex was being funny.  Last night apparently I was speaking in tounges, he couldn't understand what I was saying.

This worries me.  Who knows what trouble my dreams could get me into with John! The ones I remember usually center around my day to day life with John and Alex, sometimes with a scary clown or a poker playing unicorn thrown in.  But since I've seen Superman Returns, Brandon Routh has been known to make an appearance from time to time, and for John's sake, I hope I can manage to keep my yap shut while flying around Metropolis with him.  A man doesn't need to be woken up in the middle of the night to his wife saying "Fly me Superman! Fly me!"

The rat race

I've always been so careful not to write about work. It's really not that interesting to anyone who may read this blog.  But work invariably bleeds into my "real" life, of which I write about a lot.  Recently, I've  hit a wall at work. I've had enough. I find myself driving to work with a sinking feeling in my gut and thinking "What the hell am I doing?".

It's not the job, really.  I actually enjoy what I do, and I like to think I'm pretty good at it.  It's the fact that my job has become almost all consuming lately.  The more pressure, the more stress I feel at work, the more resentful I become about having to go there in the first place. 

This morning, I had to rush getting Alex and me out the door because I had a conference call at 8:00. Feeling rushed I was irritable and didn't give Alex or Midnight the cuddles they both really needed in the morning. I basically threw clothes on Alex, threw a pain pill at Midnight, and put Alex in the car with a bottle and raced out the door to drop him off at my mother's.  I then found myself stuck in a traffic jam getting on the freeway and ended up calling into my conference call from my car on my cell phone.  I waited on the conference bridge line for 10 minutes and no one else called in.  I rechecked my calendar on my phone, yep. 8:00.  It was now 8:15.  "F*** it!" I yelled and threw my phone on the passenger seat.  I rushed my morning, didn't cuddle with my dying dog or baby boy so I could call in on time to a conference call that apparently had been canceled without my knowledge!

It's days like this that I can't help but laugh at my original ideas about what my life would look like after I became a mother. When I found myself pregnant, I had all these great ideas of how I'd be wildly successful in my career and still be an attentive mother, a loving wife and have a sparkling clean house.  My child would never sit wide eyed in front of cartoons on TV, I'd breastfeed for at least one year, I'd make homemade baby food, my child would never ingest preservatives or excess sugar. I even contemplated using cloth diapers.  Really. I was so idealistic.  My head was full of butterflies and swinging the baby at the park and playgroups with no vomit stains on my shirts or cheerios stuck in my hair.

In reality, my life looks more like a tornado.  My house is always a mess, I eat out WAY more than I should because I rarely get a spare second to sit down with a bowl of cereal at home.  Every piece of clothing I own has some kind of baby related stain on it.  Alex eats Gerber and is now on formula full time. Last night, he ate part of a churro. Talk about excess sugar!  I'm a Baby Gym drop out, and Alex has been known to watch multiple episodes of Caillou in one day.  Cloth diapers?  HA!  I have a stack of never used cloth diapers in the bottom drawer of Alex's changing table. 

I'm somehow expected to be a great mom, a great wife and a great employee.  In reality, I'm sucking at all three jobs.  Something's got to give, and I am NOT WILLING to let my family be it. 

I've already spoken with my boss about cutting my hours at work significantly. I haven't gotten official word, but rumor has it they'll be able to work something out for me. But I'm officially at the point where I am ready to say "Screw you guys, I'm going home" if I can't get a part time schedule. My job description is full time, and I would absolutely understand if they can't cut me to part time, but I need to put much more focus on my home life. I need to be with Alex more than I'm with my coworkers. I need to put more of my energy into something that actually matters, because despite what our Project Manager says, despite what the steering committee says, despite how the company's mucky mucks feel, Alex Dillier is infinitely more important that any stupid software rewrite.

100 things

1) I am my mother's only child
2) My dad had two other daughters
3) My sisters and I are all about 10 years apart in age
4) Until I was 13, my answer to the question "what do you want to be when you grow up?" was "I want to be a mommy"
5) Then the answer changed to "Veterinarian"
6) I never became a veterinarian
7) I did become a Mommy and I love it!
8) My son has my eyes
9) and my chin dent
10) Otherwise he is his father's clone
11) I couldn't tell you my annual salary unless I looked it up on an old pay stub
12) I really don't care about money
13) unless I don't have any
14) Every few months I get unexpected money in the mail
15) My husband didn't believe me, until he moved in with me, and after a few months asked "why do you always get money in the mail"
16) I don't know why. I just do. 
17) It's usually because I've overpaid a utility bill, or something I didn't know I owned was sold... Strange reasons.
18) I broke my arm when I was 4 from falling off a horse
19) I still love riding
20) I will only ride English style
21) I am an equestrian snob
22) I really, really hate Donny Osmond
23) I used to be a computer programmer
24) I was terrible at it
25) I have a mole on my right hip
26) Whenever my husband sees or touches it he says "What is that?"
27) He's been doing that since 2001 and still doesn't remember it's there
28) I bite my nails
29) I pick my cuticles
30) My hands always look terrible
31) The diamond in my wedding ring was given to me by my father just weeks before he died
32) I wear a diamond ring on my right hand given to me by my husband as an engagement ring
33) I have panic attacks when I have to stand in lines. I hate being surrounded by people
34) I spent the majority of my adolescence and early adulthood looking for God
35) I never found him
36) But I was baptized anyway when I was 16 as  Southern Baptist because I didn't want to burn in hell
37) I don't believe in Hell anymore
38) Or God
39) I'm fine with that
40) Really, don't try to convert me.
41) I've read the Bible
42) Yep, the whole thing
43) I don't remember most of it. It was really boring
44) I met my husband by answering his online personal ad.
45) We met in person a couple of days later at a coffee shop
46) I usually just tell people I met him at a coffee shop
47) He was supposed to be a fling
48) But we fell in love
49) John is really, really good in bed. He should teach seminars.
50) We lived together for a year and a half before we got married on 3.3.03
51) We ran off and got married in Hawaii, just the two of us
52) It was perfect.
53) It was my second marriage
54) I got married the first time when I was 17 and my husband was my legal guardian for two months
55) We were unhappily married for five years.
56) Turns out he was gay
57) I don't like to talk about it
58) John (my husband) and I have never ever talked about divorce
59) We are disgustingly happy
60) I only want to have two children
61) I've never lived a day of my life without a pet
62) I love the ocean
63) Which is a problem because I live in Utah
64) I don't like living in Utah
65) But, I will probably live here for many years to come
66) I'm finally OK with that
67) I don't listen to music that often
68) All that's on my MP3 player is Penn Jillette's radio show
69) I listen to NPR when I'm in my car
70) Unless my son is with me, then we listen to Baby Einstein CD's
71) I played the piano for 13 years
72) I played the clarinet for 2 years
73) I own two violins but don't know how to play them
74) And two guitars. But don't play them either
75) I've always wanted to learn to play the upright bass
76) I love Spaghetti Ohs with sliced franks
77) I put ketchup on my homemade mac and cheese
78) I never ate an avocado until I got pregnant
79) Now I eat them all the time
80) I've always been overweight
81) I only want to loose 40 pounds
82) According to society, I'll still be fat
83) That's OK, I really don't care
84) I have three tattoos
85) I want one more
86) If I had to label myself politically, I'd say I was Libertarian
87) I sing "Swing low" to my son because my dad sang that to me when I was little
88) I still miss my dad every single day
89) I look exactly like my mother, only taller and I don't have red hair
90) My favorite TV show is Who's line is it anyway?
91) I love the BBC and Drew Carey versions equally
92) If I get change in a vending machine, I usually leave it there for someone else to find
93) I can not tan, I only burn / peel / freckle
94) My ears are abnormally sensitive. Not to sound, but to touch
95) My hair is naturally curly
96) I used to have a belly button ring
97) It never healed so I had to take it out
98) Only 2 years ago we were up to our eyeballs in debt (credit cards, student loans, car payment...)
99) The only debt my husband and I have now is our mortgage
100) We're pretty proud of ourselves about that.

Four days and counting

Four more days. I only have to survive four more days at work and I get NINE WHOLE DAYS with my son.  We're leaving for our annual trip to San Diego next Tuesday but starting Friday night I get to be a full time Mama for a while. I am SO EXCITED!

Some things I'm looking forward to:

• We discovered last weekend that Alex will actually let us sleep in until 8am.  I am very much looking forward to 9 days of sleeping in.



• A big giant hot dog at Petco Park.  They have the best hot dogs at any baseball stadium I've ever been to.



• Showing Alex off to my family. Everyone here only talks about how much he looks like John, but I suspect, with my family, people will talk about how he looks like I did when I was his age.



• The beach. I am a total beach bum. Like Superman can recharge his batteries with the sun, I recharge my soul with the smells and sounds of the ocean.  I am so excited to show Alex my favorite place in the world.  The Pacific.



• Alex gets to see his cousins Vincent and Raquel again.  He hasn't seen them since Thanksgiving and since Raquel is his age, I'm hoping they'll get a chance to play a bit.  Alex doesn't get to play with kids his age often.



• Going to my grandma's house feels like going home. It's strange because she's only lived there the last 10 years or so, but it feels so comfortable and familiar to me.



• As always I'm secretly hoping we never come back.  We'll accidentally miss our flight home and have no choice but to live in San Diego forever.  I know this won't happen, but a girl can dream can't she?

Why won't you just fight with me?

So I've been a huge whiney boob lately due to the almost unbearable pain in my back that started five days ago and since then has gotten worse AND moved into my hips.  On Sunday I was so cranky I tried to pick a fight with John.  He wouldn't bite.

"Why are you watching golf? Golf is stupid"
"I TOLD you the mall would be closed early on a sunday!"
"Why won't you spend time with me? WAAAA!"
"Go away, you smell"
And so on.

I don't know why I thought picking a fight with John would make my back feel better, but after applying pressure, using a heated massager, icing it, laying on the floor with my legs on the sofa... I was cranky and tired and miserable.  As we were driving to dinner for my sister-in-law's birthday, I was crabbing at him about how he didn't know where the resturaunt was.  He still didn't let me ruffle his feathers.

"I'm sorry, I'm just sore, and I'm cranky when I hurt"
"What have you taken?"
"Taken?"
"Yea, like Tylenol, Asprin...You know, pain medication?"
"Nothing."
"You're in all this pain and you haven't taken anything?"
"It didn't really occur to me"

It really didn't. During my pregnancy and while nursing, I took Tylenol all of three times, one of which was when I was in labor but didn't know it yet. I took Ibuprofin right after I had The Boy, but other than that, I was medicine free.  I think that after 18 months of not taking anything, I guess I just forgot it was an option.  Of course, in my still crabby mood, I tried to blame it on John for not reminding me I could take pain medicine now that I'm no longer nursing. 

I ended up taking a leftover Ibuprofin from when Alex was born last night and slept like a baby.  I forgot to bring anything to work with me today though so I've been miserable all day, but at least now I can look forward to my date with a big IB tab and my big heated massager tonight.  I have no idea what caused this pain in my back. It's probably John's fault.  just kidding :)

A perfect moment

I'm sitting at the end of the bed in a chair eating my crunchy oat cereal watching the Alex sized lump in the middle of our bed. The blanket is gently rising and falling with each breath he takes.  Alex woke this morning screaming for me at 5am so I brought him back to our bed where he passed out immediately in my arms, he has been asleep ever since. It's after 7 now and John's left for work already. Midnight's been medicated and fed and the house is cool and quiet and I can hear the birds singing in the tree out back. I really should get The Boy up and ready for our morning walk, but he hasn't been feeling well and thought he could use the extra sleep. 

The blanket stirs and Alex flops over onto his belly.  He's a flopper like his Daddy. I can hear him grunting softly and rubbing his eyes and his nose, trying to wake up.  Suddenly his little head pops up and I see the side of his face pop out from under the blanket. He looks around but doesn't see me. He thinks he's alone in our room and his bottom lip begins to quiver.
"Good morning Monkey" I say to him and move to sit crosslegged at the foot of the bed. Alex looks at me and smiles wide. his wispy blonde hair is sticking up in all directions. He crawls out from under the blanket and right into my lap.  He curls up with his head nestled in the bend of my elbow and looks up at me and smiles.  He puts his thumb in his mouth, closes his eyes and turns his face into my chest and sighs contentedly.

The Dillier's go to South Park

South Park John (He has more hair than this in real life.  He really does)
 

South Park Jamie (John made this picture of me.  Notice the ample boobage)

South Park Alex - Awe, he's even cute SouthParkified :)

Five things about Alex

1) He thinks the cat is hilarious
2) His feet are ticklish
3) He only sucks his thumb when he's tired
4) He hates peaches
5) When he's annoyed he says "Neee! Neee!"

This day in my life

Thought it might be fun to participate in the Day in the life series

6:00 AM  Wake up to the sound of Midnight licking his feet in the bathroom. No sound grosses me out more than a dog licking his/her feet.  I don't know why.  Yell at him to stop. Fall asleep.

6:28 AM  Wake up to the sound of Midnight walking down the hall.  Realize he must need to pee and get up to let him out.  Check on Alex in his room to make sure he's still alive.  Still not used to him sleeping through the night.  He's fine, sleeping with his butt up in the air. Come back to bedroom and turn off alarm. Get in shower.

6:30 AM Realize I can't bend over because I have somehow tweaked my back.  Try to shave legs anyway.  Get right leg shaved and half of left leg before I feel like I might faint from the pain.

6:40 AM  Get all dressed and realize I don't want to go for my morning walk in a skirt, change into track pants and running shoes.  Let Middie in and give him his medications rolled up in American cheese slices. 

6:50 AM  Go to Alex's room to find John talking to him while eating Fruity Pebbles.  Realize that Alex is extremely cute wearing his "Shark Bait" jammies with the shirt that's too short and shows off his little round belly.  change his diaper and put his "I'm definately up to something" shirt and new denim shorts on.  Stand him up, shorts fall off.  change him into his white basketball shorts.  I kiss his cheeks and he starts whispering "dadadadada" as we walk to the kitchen.

7:00 AM  Install Alex in the stroller with his breakfast bottle and get Middie hooked up to his leash, wave to old guy walking a miniature french poodle.

7:25 AM  Walk was uneventful, but nice nonetheless. Go to bedroom and let Alex play with a drink coaster while I change back into my skirt and brand new 3 inch wedge sandals.  Realize that my back REALLY hurts and it probably isn't a good day to try out new heels.  Wear them anyway.  Admire John in the buff coming out of the shower. 

7:30 AM  Pack my lunch: tuna sandwich on wheat, doritos and a rasberry light 'n' fit smoothie

7:35 AM  Kiss John goodbye and race out the door with Alex.  John tells me I smell like tuna. I decide I still love him anyway.

7:43 AM  Drop Alex off at mom's, remember to give her belated birthday gift.

7:50 AM  Turn onto freeway, realize I'm going to be late to work and I forgot my phone. I look at my driver's side rear view mirror and see someone has drawn a "J" in the dirt.  I look at my passenger side rear view mirror and see a "P"  I wonder when JP did that.

8:10 AM  Rush into the office.  Eat lunch for breakfast

9:00 AM  Realize I forgot to call into 8:30 conference call.  Check email to find that call was cancelled.  Whew!

10:00 AM  Go to weekly team status meeting.  Conference room is very cold and I become very aware of my nipples poking out of my shirt. Continue to worry about my nipples and don't pay attention during meeting.

10:30 AM  Boss calls me in for meeting in his office. He calls in another coworker who stares at my nipples.  It's cold, and I wish I had a sweater.

11:10 AM  Find out lunch is being served in next building over.  Take two coworkers over with me to get sandwiches and chips.  Get way to excited when I see that they've also provided chocolate chip cookies.

11:30 AM  Eat lunch at my desk while reading my favorite blogs.  Eat cookie very slowly.  Find out about "Day in the life" series. Decide I'd like to participate

12:00 PM  Go to bank to have an affidavit notarized for my sister. Remember that I hate my sister and get angry about her as I wait for the notary.

12:30 PM  Realize I haven't done anything productive at work all day, decide to rememdy that by writing some test cases.  Boss comes by to ask me if I'll show around the new contractor who will be arriving at 2.  I agree, but I don't want to. Start writing about my day in TypePad.

1:30 PM  Loose all of my "day in the life" entry when I accidentally click a link on the page then click the back button. Silently yell obscenities at my monitor.  Decide to rewrite entry in notepad.

2:15 PM  Contractor arrives. He is Israli and I can't understand him because of his accent.  We go to see my buddy in the next building to get a badge and key for the building.  My friend has shaved his head. I ask him why. He gives me a short answer "I just cut it" and then whispers to me "I'm going to come over to talk to you later". I think it's strange, but figure he's just acting weird because he's about to get married.

3:00 PM  Sitting with the new contractor and one of our developers smiling and nodding my head as they have a conversation about server architecture. It is way over my head. I feel stupid and don't say a single word the entire time. Become silently resentful at the developer for making me sit here and look stupid.  Wish I were back at my desk.  Stare at my new shoes that I think are just fabulous. Lament the fact that I didn't take time to get a pedicure over the weekend.

4:10 PM  Finally back at my desk. Co worker comes to tell me that my friend's fiance has cancer and is about to start chemo and that's why he shaved his head. Feel sick to my stomach and want to cry for them. Think about calling him, but decide to wait for him to come talk to me like he said he would.

4:29 PM  Go buy M&M's. can't stop thinking about friend and his fiance.

5:00 PM  Time to go home, friend hasn't come talk to me yet. Send him an "I'm thinking of you" email and pack up my stuff to go home.  Think about going to gym, but decide not to.  I miss Alex too much and can't wait to see him.

5:30 PM  Pull up at mom's house.  Hear Alex laughing as I walk up the steps.  I walk into the house and he's sitting in a highchair eating banana crunchies.  He smiles and chuckles at me. I pick him up. OUCH!! Stupid back!  I smell his hair and nibble his toes.

5:45 PM  Arrive at home, I put Alex on the floor in the hall outside our bedroom hoping he'll crawl in and surprise John. He just looks up at me.  John sees him and says "Hey Buddy!" and Alex goes wild laughing and kicking. He loves his daddy. I call Little Jen in DC and we have a nice talk.

6:30 PM  Heidi arrives to babysit Alex.  Give Midnight his medication. John and I decide to use our gift card to Olive Garden.  We get to restuaurnant and have to wait.  I ask John if he wants me to go to his doctor appointment with him next week. He tells me no, it hurts my feelings and I pout until we get our table.

7:00 PM  I feel like an ass so I stop pouting and order a glass of Pinot Noir and the shrimp and asparagus risotto.  John gets the house red and some kind of pork thing.  his vegetables are burned, and they bring out new ones. I steal a couple of potatoes from him.  My dinner is fantastic.  We order cheesecake for dessert.  John doesn't like the chocolate crust. We talk about discipline and parenting. We decide that we will have a No Spanking policy with Alex.  Smile at the thought that it's so easy to say that now.  In another year or so, we'll have to see how that policy holds up.

8:00 PM  We decide to go to the mall so John can find something to buy at the sports store. I miss Alex a lot and my back is killing me.  I end up getting a Jeter t-shirt and a U of U t-shirt for Alex. John buys a mini Broncos helmet.  We go to Lids and buy Heidi a B-Jay's hat.  I try to get John to buy the Cocks hat for his brother. He buys the Lei Me hat instead for himself.  I talk about how much I miss Alex all the way home. I suggest using the "naughty spot" with Alex for discipline. John doesn't like the wording of "naughty spot", he thinks it sounds sexual. I think he's nuts.  We decide on "No no spot".

8:45 PM  We get home and I notice that Heidi has organized our mountain of shoes.  John retreats to the bedroom to talk on the phone with various people while Heidi and I talk about her new guy she's seeing and Alex plays on the floor

9:30 PM  I put Alex to bed, he passes out immediately

10:45 PM  Heidi leaves, John and I go to bed and I ask him to rub my back.  He whines and complains and does a horrible job.  He tells me rubbing my back is annoying.

11:10 PM  John finally stops whining about rubbing my back and ends up pushing his knee into my lower back like he used to when I was pregnant. It sort of helps and we fall asleep.

Lesson Learned

I have today off work and as such I'm trying to organize my day so that I get maximum time with The Boy while still getting my own things done. My brilliant plan this morning was to make a grocery shopping run between Alex's morning bottle and his late morning cereal and nap. 

I made it to the store and Alex was a perfect angel until we got to the checkout line, at which point he had an "I'm hungry and getting tired" meltdown.  I hurried out to the car promising him we'd be home in no time at which point I'd stuff his cute little face with pureed bananas and then rock him to sleep.

My usual routine is to throw the groceries in the trunk, unlock the doors, throw my purse and keys in the front seat so I can then put Alex into his car seat without having to fight him for my keys and purse back (he thinks my keys are the best toys ever made and throws crazy tantrum fits if he even sees them and they're not immediately transported into his mouth.)  Today, I threw my keys and purse into the front seat, shut the door and attempted to open the back door.  Locked.  Locked?  How in the world this happened is beyond me.  I had to UNLOCK the doors to throw my keys into the front seat, somehow, the doors then locked immediately after I closed the driver's side door, locking my keys, my purse, my phone and my groceries in the car. 

I was able to use the phone at customer service to get hold of my mother who came to rescue us, and I was able to get Alex to forget he was hungry and tired for a while by letting him climb around on peat moss bags in front of the store. By the time my mom arrived, Alex was stinky and cranky and I was sick to my stomach about the fact that it could have easily been Alex locked in the car on a hot summer day, not just my groceries. 

BE MORE CAREFUL! The universe is telling me.  I am so happy when I can learn my lessons the easy way.  The only casualty from the whole ordeal was a tub of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, that really, I didn't need anyway.

Project Hot Mom: Dieting sucks and I ain't doin' it no more!

So I haven't lost a pound, not one stinking pound, since I started thinking about deciding to maybe go on a diet.  The good news is I haven't gained a pound either, so ok then.  I'm reading this great book:  The Fat Girl's Guide to Life and I'm loving it!  It's the first book I've ever read that isn't asking me to apologize to the world for my dimply ass and telling me if I'd just get out and exercise more I'd look like Madonna in no time.  This book gets me.  It understands that I don't eat more than your average person, and I probably exercise as much as your average person (3 or more days at the gym weight training and a 30 minute walk every morning). I'm just fat. I'm built that way, and that just might be ok.

Sure, I would love to lose those 30 pounds I'm still packing from the pregnancy, but beyond that, I've lost the desire to look like my husband's sisters.  They're both impossibly thin and beautiful and that's great for them, but that's not me, and that's ok.  I'll never wear a bikini, and that's ok too.  And maybe, just maybe, I can feel pretty and sexy and be completely satisfied with my hips and my legs and my boobs and my butt just the way they are.  Really.

So, the point is, I'm done with the diets.  I do still plan to make some changes in my life.  Some, admitedly, designed to help me drop the pregnancy weight, and others, just to make me feel better about myself.  But dieting?  No more.  That said, here's the new plan:

1) Stop eating out so damn much!  I almost always eat out two meals a day.  Not only is that not good for me, it's pretty rough on the wallet too.  My goal is to only eat out once a week.  That includes fast food as well as sit down resturaunts. I am going on vacation in 2 weeks, so obviously I'll have to eat out more during that time, but that should be the exception, not the rule.

2) Continue the morning walk every day.  It really is the highlight of my morning.

3) Keep on going to Curves and doing the weight training. I need the strength and energy to keep up with my active almost-toddler.

4) Don't go out wearing John's Star Wars t-shirt, sports bra and sweats.  Really.  I need to take more pride in my appearance.  Make an effort.  Put on earrings, wear actual pants.  Or, *gasp*, a skirt!  I look like a completely different person with a little eye makeup, blowdried hair and wearing attractive clothing that fits.  I feel like a different person too.

5) Quit worrying about what everyone thinks of me.  It doesn't matter.  To the people that do matter, I'm fine the way I am.  Alex can cuddle up in my soft arms and snuggle his little face into my squishy boobs.  I'm his mommy and I'm perfect the way I am. John has always loved me regardless of what I weigh. He met me fat, married me fat, and continues to want to have hot sex with me fat.  He knew he didn't marry a 20-something Carrie Fisher wearing a metal bikini in Return of the Jedi.  If he wanted that, he wouldn't have married me.  And I'm a hellofalot sexier when I feel good about my body than if I am obsessing about my cellulite

Weekend update: The dog and the bed

So this "Dog on death row" thing seems to be really working out for Midnight.  His medication seems to be keeping him relatively pain free, we're making sure to give him extra attention, and since I don't have to worry about his weight any more, he's getting all the yummy canned dog food and treats his little puppy heart desires.  The vet had told me not to take him on walks anymore because the pressure of the tumor in his bladder can cause quite a bit of pain if it jiggles around too much, but Midnight LOVES the morning walk. I figure as long as he seems to be enjoying it, I'll continue to take him.  When he gets to the point that he can't walk, maybe I'll pull him along in a wagon or something. 

I've finally let go of all that anxiety I've had about when to have him put down. I've decided that Middie will let me know when he's ready.  Just like Rags did when she'd had enough.  Until then, I'll just focus on making his life as comfortable and happy as possible. 

In other news, John and I have finally retired our squeaky bed.  This bed has been the bane of my existence for years now. It started with the entire frame becoming unstable and the bed would sway if you walked by it too fast. We bought a new frame for it, keeping the headboard and foot board (which we love), and while it did stabilize the bed itself, the new frame was unbearably squeaky.  Just rolling over in the night would make the bed squeak, and not just a little squeak, we're talking about a violent sounding, metal on metal screeching! And that's just an innocent roll.  John is a "flopper".  He'll be snoozing away on his back and suddenly, without warning he'll thrust his entire body into the air, roll over mid flight and flop onto the bed on his belly. Hmmm, and I actually wonder sometimes how our bed became unstable in the first place. 

Anyhow, it's gotten to the point where I literally can't sleep in the bed anymore, the entire house wakes up if I so much as scratch my nose in the night. And forget about sex in that bed.  It's out of the question. So, after threatening John that I'd start sleeping in the guest room, he dismantled the bed and we put our mattress and box spring on the floor.  Now our bedroom looks so sad. We've got a big beautiful oak dresser, a custom made rolled top chest and then our queen size mattress on the floor.  It doesn't help that I've got flat pillows and mismatched sheets. I feel like a starving college student or something.

Having the mattress on the floor does have a few perks though, not least of which is the fact that John can flop all he wants during the night and it doesn't make a sound.  The bed is now both Alex and Midnight friendly.  Middie can jump up without a problem and Alex can actually get off the bed by himself without my worrying he'll plummet to his death. The plan was to buy a new bed, but I may just keep it on the floor for a while.  It's kind of nice.