Crazy

Have you ever had someone say something, and at the time, you thought it best to just let it go.  But you don't acutally let it go, you let it sit and fester and eat at you, and then the next time you see that person they say something else, that, if you weren't already worked up about the thing they said last time, you might easily let it go, but this time it really irks you.

But you still don't say anything to that person, because, really, you should just let it go, but you still don't.  And one day you find yourself in the car, having a perfectly pleasant conversation with your husband when, out of the blue, you verbally ejaculate all over him about this person and what they said to make you mad.  And even though you know you should really just shut up about it, you don't. You keep going and going. All the while thinking to yourself SHUT UP! YOU SOUND LIKE A CRAZY PERSON!  And you look at your husband, who is now trying to avoid direct eye contact with you, and you really want to just shut up already.  But it's too late, the floodgates have opened and now you're talking about things this person said to you five years ago, and how maybe you're really mad about it because of your relationship with your mother (even though the person in question has nothing at all to do with your mother, and neither does the thing they originally said to piss you off).

And then your husband says "You're talking like a crazy person"

Which of course is the worst thing you can say to a crazy person, because now he's on their side of course, and agrees with all the horrible things this person has ever said to you. Which, even as you're accusing him of this, you know isn't true, but for some reason, your mouth won't stop blabbing.

By the time you get home you hate your husband, the person who started all of this, and for some reason, that girl he wanted to date in high school, because, well, why not.

In the end, I admitted to John that I know I was acting crazy and asked if he could forgive me.  And John said "Of course I do Honey, I love you.  Crazy and all."

Spoons

I want to write this down to remember it because I know I never will.  I don't keep traditional baby books, so this blog will have to do.

Max's favorite toy, in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD, is a spoon.  Not just any spoon though, not a plastic baby spoon or even a larger plastic kid spoon.  No, Max likes the big clunky metal grown up spoons.  The bigger the better, a serving spoon would make his day.

Every morning I give him a spoon and he lugs that spoon around all day long.  When we're at a resturaunt, I have to pat him down to make sure he hasn't stowed any flatware in his diaper because he's been known to "accidentally" steal a spoon or two.

I was asking John what we should get the baby for his upcoming birthday, the kid has lots of stuff already, what would he really like?  We decided we'd buy him a pack of spoons at IKEA.  That would totally make his day!

Sick of being sick

I swear, if someone sneezes a block away from my children, they catch a cold, or an ear infection, or pinkeye, or RSV, or pneumonia, or a sinus infection or some combination of those along with vomiting, diarrhea and fever. I mean, COME ON! It's MAY! My kids have been sick pretty much non stop since FEBRARY!

We're clean people, I promise.  We don't live in squalor (though my house is littered with toys and does have a layer of brown dog fur throughout, but STILL, I mop, I vacuum, I Windex, I Clorox, I Lysol... every week).  My children are bathed on a regular basis.  John and I bathe and shower on a regular basis.  I do laundry twice a week at least.  I change all our sheets regularly. We all wash our hands after using the bathroom and throughout the day John and I both use the hand sanitizer I keep on the counter in the kitchen. All of us take a multivitamin and the boys take a vitamin C supplement as well. I discourage my children from licking the floors at the grocery store.  Neither of my kids go to school or daycare, though Alex does take a preschool sports class once a week and they both have playgroups once or twice a week.

I'm really at a loss as to what I can do to keep my family healthy.  I suspect it's the sports class and playgroups because where else can they be picking up these germs??  Another thought I have is they could just be getting sick from going to the doctor all the time.  If one is sick and has to see the dr, I usually have to take the other along with us, and since one is sick, we can't sit in the well child area, we have to sit in the germ infested area where they both immediately start playing with the toys, and always, ALWAYS whoever wasn't sick soon becomes sick within a day or two.  Then they both get well, we go to playgroup and the next day someone wakes up with their eyes gooped shut.

Right now the baby is well except he has a runny nose and has had diarrhea for two months.  I sent in a poop sample to test for a bacterial infection and the doctor called this morning to tell me that his poop tested negative for the bacterial infection, YAY! But he doesn't know what else could be the cause.  Just wait it out was his suggestion.  Great.  He did tell me that it could be his formula (which he'd dismissed as the cause Wednesday because he was so sure it was the tummy bacteria) and to switch to soy milk.  Which Max HATES. I was able to give him 1/2 milk based formula mixed with 1/2 soy based formula, so maybe I can wean him on to soy milk eventually.  Until then, I suppose we'll all have to just deal with the toxic sludge he's shooting out of his butt.

Alex's entire head seems to be consumed with a raging sinus infection.  Where Max is prone to ear infections, Alex is prone to sinus infections and gets them all the time.  But this one is the worst.  His eyes are swollen and goopy, his nose is a booger faucet and now he's got a cough (which isn't related to the sinus infection I don't think).  He's on a pretty strong antibiotic that is now giving him the runs.  The bad kind.  The kind that sneak up on you when you least expect it.  Poor kid.  He's going through underwear like crazy and keeps telling me how sorry he is and can I forgive him.  Of course I'm not getting mad at him for these accidents, but he feels bad all the same, which makes me feel awful too.

This has been hands down, the sickest we've ever been.  It's got to get better at some point.  The doctor keeps saying that we're getting out of flu/cold/ear infection season, but then, a few days later, I'm back in the office again with a kid and a 103 degree fever.

I really hope they get better and stay better this time.  Because it's such a bummer to see my little boys lazing around on the sofa with runny noses when it's so nice outside.

Super Alex to the rescue!

This is what Alex wore to his doctor appointment this morning:

 

In case you're wondering, he's wearing moon boots, a superman cape and an upside down Easter basket on his head.  This is his Super Alex to the Rescue costume that he came up with himself. Sometimes he wears his green froggy galoshes instead of moon boots though.

He was a hit at the doctor office.  In fact the doctor declared him "KID OF THE YEAR!" and took him by the hand and paraded him around the office to see the nurses and front desk receptionists.  Then he gave Alex a really cool sticker and a bag of gummy fruit snacks.

After the Super Alex to the Rescue parade, the doctor high fived me and told me how cool he thought I was to let Alex express his creativity and imagination, not only at home, but out in the world as well.  He told me that seeing Alex in this outfit not only made his day, he said he'll probably be smiling about it the rest of the week. 

I hadn't thought anything of it when we left the house.  Alex wanted to wear his super hero costume to the doctor's office, why wouldn't I let him?  My parenting style has always been to let Alex be a kid.  To enjoy all the perks of being a kid.  Whether that be wearing an Easter basket on his head or jump in mud puddles or draw "tattoos" all over himself with washable non-toxic markers.  I figure there is such a small window of time where he is allowed to be totally uninhibited and not worry what other people think.  Such a short time where he believes that wearing a cape and moon boots turn him into a super hero.  It didn't occur to me to change him into a nice plain boring matching outfit to go out in public because, dude, he's THREE.  And in my world, being three means you can wear whatever makes you happy.

We walked out of the doctor's office with everyone waving enthusiastic goodbye's to Super Alex.  Alex himself was strutting around with a grin on his face that literally went ear to ear.  So proud that everyone liked his outfit so much.  I was grinning too. I couldn't be prouder to be Super Alex's mom.  Yep, that's MY kid with the  Easter basket hat and the weather inappropriate footwear and the cape stuffed into the collar of his t-shirt. That's MY KID, and he's awesome!

 

What now?

Max is growing up way too fast.  I say that about both my boys, but it seems Max is growing at warp speed these days.  Babbling, crawling at high speeds, cruising along hanging on to furniture, playing games with me, Alex and John...He's 11 months old today. One more month and he'll be a year old. A YEAR OLD!!! MY BABY!!!

I'm in the process of weaning him, and I'm doing it slowly, mostly for my benefit because a) I HATE the feeling of being engorged and I dont much like the idea of cabbage leaves in my bra and b) This is the last time I'll ever nurse a baby, and that makes me strangely sad. 

I'm in denial a bit about Max moving into toddlerhood.  With Alex I couldn't wait for him to start walking and talking and being a kid, but with Max, every step forward is filled with contradicting emotions. I love that he's starting to be more independant, he's curious and funny and is really becoming his own person, but at the same time, again, LAST BABY EVER!  WAHHH!

Today I was out for a walk with the boys and thinking, as I do while I'm on walks (I don't listen to music, because usually the boys are really good and it's my only time to really just think about things) and for a few seconds I imagined having a third child, being pregnant again, giving birth again (not in a hospital, NEVER AGAIN in a hospital), having a teeny tiny baby again, and I actually surpirsed myself so much at the thought that I had to stop walking and take a breath.  Another baby?

No.  We won't be having another baby.

This was decided years ago between John and I, before we even had Alex, before we had our first pregnancy.  We would have two children.  We knew when we were trying to get pregnant with Max that he'd be our last.  He is our last.  I want him to be our last. 

I'm moving into another stage of life now.  I'm settled, married, happily career-less, I've had both my children and now it's time to focus on just living life.  Raising our boys, working on our marraige.  What I like to call "the big stuff" is done.  Working on a career, finding a mate, making a home, having a family.  Now I just get to enjoy it.  and maybe that's why my mind wandered down the "what if we had just one more" road again.  I'm not used to just living life. I'm always working towards a goal, whether it be to get promoted at work, find that perfect husband, having a child...And now, life just stretches along ahead of me, like a nice long flat road, beautiful scenery, just no real big hills ahead.

That's not to say we won't have challenges, I'm saying that my Big Life Plan has been fulfilled, I have no more plan.  I made it.  I did it.  I have everything I've ever wanted.  Now what?  I need to make a new plan I suppose.

But, for now, I'll take a break and enjoy this amazing life I'm so lucky to be living.

Eight

I'm blogblocked, so I thought I'd do this meme (thanks Sara) to help get unstuck:

8 things I'm looking forward to:

• Weaning Max and having my body completely back to myself again. 
  
• Taking the boys to the Apple Farm Spring Festival tomorrow (Thanks for the suggestion Mom!)
  
• Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince THE MOVIE!
  
• Going to the next JDK show (Anyone want to babysit??)
  
• Going for a bike ride with the boys in the new bike trailer
  
• Visiting Marianne, Jesper and their girls in Denmark (I want to do this sooner rather than later)
  
• Being able to run a 5k (I'm working on this, my goal is by the end of the summer, I'm signing up for a 5k "midnight run" in August)
  
• Finally being at my goal weight. AND STAYING THERE!

8 things I did yesterday:

• Took Alex and Max to playgroup
  
• Went on a walk (3.5 miles, during which the boys fought and screamed THE WHOLE TIME!)
  
• Made chili with Alex (he loves to help me make chili, but he won't eat it)
  
• Grocery shopping
  
• Made a playdough car for Alex
  
• Changed about 12 nasty Hershey Squirt diapers for Max
  
• Finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows for the second time (I meant to only re-read Half Blood Prince in preparation for the movie, but you can't read HBP without immediately reading Hallows.)
  
• Paid my friend the money for the new stroller and picked up the bike attachment for it

8 things I wish I could do:

• Speak a second language.  Something cool like Swahili or Hindi or Klingon
  
• Keep my house clean for longer than 15 seconds
  
• Spend more time with the dog, she desperately needs more attention and training
  
• Read minds
  
• Somehow have a career AND stay home with my boys full time.
  
• Sleep for 8 straight hours
  
• The Vulcan neck pinch (which I think would be a very useful parenting tool)
  
• Spend a year traveling the world

8 Shows I watch:

• Mythbusters
  
• 30 Rock
  
• The Office
  
• Dirty Jobs
  
• Big Love (which I don't really like, but John does, so we watch. sigh.)
  
• Dexter
  
• How I met your mother
  
• SpongeBob Square Pants

8 people to tag:

• You
  
• and You
  
• and You
  
• and You
  
• and You
  
• and You
  
• and You
  
• and YOU

Strollers, you can never have just one

Anyone who has been in my garage has undoubtedly noticed that I have twice as many strollers as I have children.  This week I am purchasing a fifth stroller.  While some would think five strollers for two children is overkill, I maintain that I absolutely need each and every one of them.

1. Double jogger/bike trailer:  This is the newest addition and I'm very excited about it because it is easy to steer on my three mile walks and the boys sit side by side, keeping each other entertained the entire time (Alex also thinks it is a car instead of a stroller, making it funner for him to ride in).  It also has a screen and a clear plastic cover so they are protected from wind/bugs/throwing toys on the ground and also keeps them warm and cozy on cooler days like today, both of them snuggled up in their blankies were quite warm in there while I was freezing and wearing a sweater.  Plus, BIKE TRAILER!  Excited to try that out this weekend!


2. Sit 'n' Stand stroller:  This is my every day stroller, especially necessary if we're going on an outing where I might want to have both boys contained.  It's narrower than the bike trailer/stroller, the kids sit back to back, can hold the baby carrier seat (which I'm about done using now anyway) and has both child and parent trays, which I find essential in a stroller.  Also Alex is able to sit or stand (hence the name) and feels less like a baby in a stroller and more like a big boy.


3. Single jogger:  When Max was a baby I rarely, if ever, put him in a stroller, I wore him in a sling or front carrier and I used this stroller for Alex on walks.  I still use this on weekends when I opt to take just Alex on my walks and John watches Max at home.  I LOVE this stroller.  It has parent and child trays, sun shade, basket under the reclining seat and a swivel wheel that can lock if you want to jog with it.


4. Lightweight stroller:  Mine is a Jeep that I bought at Walmart for $50.  It's got all the good stuff a full size stroller has, parent/child trays, basket under the reclining seat, sun shade... only about half the size.  This is the stroller I almost always keep in my car and use for Max (Alex is too big for it now) when we go to the park or somewhere where I know Alex will be running around.  It's small and easy to maneuver even while chasing a 3 year old.  It also has what they call a "Standing fold" where you push a button and it folds up, but stays standing instead of dropping to the ground like other strollers.


5. 
   

   Umbrella Stroller w/ shade:  This is my travel stroller.  After a disasterous attempt to take our full sized stroller with us one year when we flew to San Diego (where we left it because it was such a pain to take in the airport), we have since used this umbrella stroller.  It's been to Panama and Boston and worked quite well on both trips. 

The nice thing is, all five of my strollers together has cost me less than $400 (I am a very thrifty stroller shopper).  I suppose I could have spent $500 for a Phil and Ted, which could serve the same purpose as 4 of my strollers, but I still would want a bike trailer and umbrella for travel.  So cost wise, I feel like I'm ahead of the game.  I guess it's a good thing we only have one car because half our garage is filled with strollers.

Leisurely Stroll for the Cure

2009 Race for the Cure 5 09 - 7210, originally uploaded by mrsjwd9.

I had hoped to jog at least a mile of the Race for the Cure on Saturday, but with John's recent athsma problems preventing him from walking much faster than a leisurely stroll and the fact that nearly every single person in the state of Utah showed up for the race (which, YAY!) and I was navigating a large double jogging stroller through the crowds, I decided to just walk along with everyone else.

We had a nice time, the weather was nice, the kids were perfectly behaved and a lot of money was raised for breast cancer research.

YAY FOR BOOBIES!

Los Barriles

I almost didn't go.  Between all of us getting sick and a mixture of worry and guilt about leaving John alone with the boys, it was a miracle I was able to even walk into the airport after a pathetic tearful goodbye when John dropped me off.  You'd have thought I was about to be dropped into a tank full of hungry sharks the way I was acting.  Like I'd never be coming home.

After checking in, buying an overpriced sandwich and diet Coke and finding a nice place to wait until my flight took off, I happened to glance up at the TV where President Obama was talking about an outbreak of Swine Flu in Mexico. MEXICO! HOLY MOTHER OF &%*$#%%! I'M GOING TO MEXICO!!!  I was only catching bits of the news report but the way they were making it sound was if I merely walked by a Mexican without a full HAZMAT suit on, I'd die instantly from the Swine Flu.  I gathered up my stuff and started heading out of the airport, dialing John's number with the full intention of asking him to come back and get me that there was NO WAY I was going on this trip. NO WAY!

John just laughed at me.  No, I wouldn't get swine flu.  I've been planning on this trip for months, I was going and that was that.  He suggested I call my relatives leaving from San Diego and see what their thoughts were.  I did.  Are we concerned? I asked my cousin.  Nope, no worries, they assured me, we'd be just fine.  Where we were going there were no outbreaks, we'd be fine.  They passed the phone around the six of them and though I was still shaking in my flip flops, they were calling my flight to board and I took a deep breath and got on.  Also, Bonnie B promised margaritas to calm us all down once we got there.  Lots of margaritas.

I was fine on the flight until the captain announced that we'd crossed the border.  Then I cried.  A lot.  I was missing my boys and worried they wouldn't let me back into the country.  At some point before I landed though, I calmed down a bit.  I'd already done it.  I'd already left.  Whatever was going to happen would happen at this point.  I found my family and we drove in a rented Suburban the hour from Los Cabos to Los Barriles, a tiny little fishing village which appeared to have more cows and dogs than people in it.  We arrived at The Villa and, WOW.  It was beautiful! I'd never been anywhere so quiet and serene.  The Villa is right on a private beach with hardly a soul in sight.  The water was clear and warm and the breeze flowed through the open house and made it feel like paradise.

 
View from main floor patio

As promised we went to dinner and had margaritas and visited and enjoyed each other's company and my heart stopped thumping in my chest and I was starting to be able to breathe and relax a bit.

But that night I couldn't sleep. I was up all night with a full blown panic attack.  I couldn't breathe, I felt light headed, I wanted to go home.  Not because I didn't like it there, but because I was absolutely TERRIFIED I wouldn't be able to get home to my boys.  We had no way to get news.  There was only one working phone and my aunt had it and she was asleep.  I didn't have a computer or wifi.  No TV reception.  No newspaper, nothing.  What was going on?  Did they close the borders?  Was everyone in Mexico dropping dead like flies from the Swine Flu?  The more I worried the more insane my thoughts became.  I got up in the dark and I sat on the patio and listened to the water lap the sand on the beach and thought as soon as my aunt got up I'd call John and he'd buy me a ticket home and if they didn't want to drive me back to the airport I'd call a cab and if I couldn't do that, well, I'd steal one of the fishing boats and...well, you get the idea.  Finally Bonnie got up and I told her I had to go home.  I was panicking.  She told me to call John.  I did.  He wasn't worried.  The kids did fine all night.  I calmed down instantly. 

The rest of the trip was great.  Occasionally I'd feel a little stressed, worried about how John was doing with the boys or hearing any news about the Swine Flu, but I'd just call John and just the sound of his voice would calm me.  I'd relax, I was able to sleep better, I could enjoy being with my cousins and aunts and Grandma.  On Monday it had felt like an eternity before I would see my family again, but by Thursday I was thinking I could stand a few more weeks there.

We ate a lot of tortillas and guacamole and zucchini bread and shrimp.  I drank margaritas with dinner every night.  I watched the sun rise over the Sea of Cortez, I swam in the clear water, I walked on the beach.  I read a lot.  I took naps.  I spent time getting to know these wonderful women I was with a little better.  By the time I came home I felt like my reserves had been filled.  I was relaxed and happy and fortified. 

 
Sunrise

This trip meant a lot to me and I'm glad I didn't let anything keep me from going.  I NEEDED this trip.  I didn't even know how much I needed it, but I did.  The time I had with my cousins Carrie and Caren and my aunts Linda, Bonnie B and Bonnie P and my Grandma was something that I'll always remember. 

I learned that I have family, people who love me very much, even if we don't live close.  I enjoyed hearing stories of their experiences as mothers, their struggles and triumphs and I soaked in their advice for me with my own boys.  I learned to trust my husband to take care of our kids, and when left to his own devices, he's quite a wonderful father all on his own.  I learned that even when I go away, leave the country even, I think about my kids every minute of every day and that even though it's hard sometimes, even though I can get frustrated and feel like I've gotten way in over my head with this parenting gig, I would totally steal a fishing boat and illegally cross the US/Mexican border to get back to them.