I keep wanting to write something, ANYTHING interesting but I've got this stuck on a loop in my brain:
4 days 'till I'm home. 4 days 'till I'm home. Today, Wednesday, Thursday then my last day Friday and then I'm home. Gotta mop the floors. Playgroup on Friday. 4 day's 'till I'm home....
I've turned into goddamned Rain Man.
Today is my last Monday. No words can describe how I feel about that. Mondays are of the devil.
Getting my period + bloating + craving all things fried and salty = REALLY sucking at my diet this week
On the positive side, I did walk 2 miles every day! Go me!
John has never actually thrown away his monthly disposable contacts. He finds it hilarious to stick them somewhere for me to find. At which time I have to scrape the little dried up lens off of whatever surface he chose to stick it. This little game amuses him to no end, so I continue to play along, every month, finding a crusty blue contact lens on my bathroom mirror, on a light switch, in the refrigerator... a few months ago I found one on my foot. Did I just step on one or did he stick it there without my noticing? Who knows. So this week's five is a list of places I expect to find those little buggers one day:
I was out shopping the other day in search of some comfy drawstring pants fit to chase a toddler around in when I came upon the cutest pink Kate Spade purse I've ever seen. It was on CLEARANCE for $90 marked down from $210. After suffering a minor stroke from the realization that I, Jamie Dillier, could own a cute pink Kate Spade purse of my very own that I didn't buy out of a black garbage bag on the streets of New York City, I realized that: 1) the purse would not hold all my stuff PLUS a diaper, pack of wipies and a spare change of clothes for the boy and 2) $90 would buy us groceries for 2 weeks. I put the purse down (after fondling it one last time) and left the store. I only cried a little.
There are many occasions when I look at my son and wonder "Where the hell did you come from?" Aside from the blue eyes and John's facial expressions, the kid is nothing like us. He's skinny, he doesn't particularly care for cheese, he appears to be left handed, and he's the most social little guy I've ever met.
Last night we took Alex to my work's family BBQ at my boss's house. Alex has never been shy in the past, but he'd never really been around strangers before. I really expected him to hide behind my legs the whole time. I couldn't have been more wrong. The second we arrived, he insisted I put him on the grass to explore. He then proceeded to go up to everyone at the BBQ and demanded to sit in their laps. I could just imagine what he was saying to them:
"Hello. My name is Alex. I would like to sit on your lap"
"You have a very nice necklace, I'd like to eat it"
"You see, I'm not quite walking yet, so I need you to hold my hand and take me over there so I can introduce myself to that nice lady with the shiny watch"
"You there! I demand you give me a bite of your hot dog immediately!"
"Your shoe tastes good. Is that Italian leather?"
and so on.
He made sure he sat in everyone's lap and also made several people walk him around holding his hand. He also conned my bosses three daughters into being his servants for the evening. I think John and I spent a grand total of five minutes with our son, the rest of the time he was off networking with my co-workers and playing with the other kids.
I ordered a new filter for my vacuum the other day. The thing was a year overdue for replacement and was just nasty. The new filter arrived on Friday and as John was walking in the door with the package I got so excited, I squealed. SQUEALED! "Oooh! My new filter! YAY!" I opened up the package like a kid on Christmas day and immediately put it in my vacuum and proceeded to rid my entire home of floor dirt.
If that's not a true sign of being ready to be a housewife, I don't know what is.
He's up to FOUR steps in a row now. FOUR! Once he can get to ten, I'm calling him an official walker.
Things I say all too often:
"Get your hands out of your pants"
"Stop pulling at your balls like that! I want to have grandchildren"
"Please stop molesting the stuffed doggie"
"Sweetie, I'm sure they're itchy, but I really think you're being too rough"
"Ugh, you're just like your father!"
So now that he's found his favorite toy. What to call it? Some contenders:
I can think of hundreds of slang terms for said male body part, but none I really feel comfortable coming out of my child's mouth. Oh the things you think about as a mommy.
Week 3 weight loss: 2 pounds
Total lost for August: 4 pounds
Need to loose to make goal: 6 pounds
Ok, so it's not looking good that I'll meet August's 10 pound weight loss goal in two weeks, however, I'm not feeling bad about it. I'm 4 pounds less than I was three weeks ago, and really, that's something to be proud of.
Here were my goals for the week and how I did:
I have to congratulate John too. He's starting his own "Project Hot Papa" (though he's not calling it that), and has started doing a 5k walk every morning before work. I'm so proud of him!
My 5 week notice is half over and I should only have 2 1/2 weeks left of work before I get to be home. I should be on the downhill now, looking forward to playgroups and swimming and trips to the zoo. Instead, the powers that be at my company aren't letting me go easily. In fact, they're downright BEGGING me to stay a few more months.
On one hand, a few more months certainly won't kill me and the extra paychecks will undoubtedly help us out. But on the other hand, I've made my decision. I'm ready to go. I've been so happy the last week or so knowing I only had a couple more weeks before I got to be Alex's full time Mommy. The thought of even just postponing that makes my heart ache.
I still don't know what I'm going to do. Our PM and VP will be in town next week and they've already said they're going to try to convince me to stay on a while longer. It just frustrates me that after the months of agonizing over this decision, I've finally made it, and instead of just respecting it, my company is making what could/should be my last few weeks harder than they have to be. I'm being made to feel guilty for leaving, that the project will fall apart without me (so not true)...when if it were the other way around, and they needed to downsize, they'd kick my ass out without a second thought about how it would affect my life.
So, I think I'm just going to try to avoid people the rest of the week and try not to stress about meeting with them next week. I really need to decide what I can live with, and I don't want to be pressured into something that will just make me miserable. Because no amount of money is worth that anymore. When I think about being a stay-at-home mom, even though we'll be broke, I see a very bright future. And I'm ready to get started already!
The Dillier's at the Real Madrid/Real Salt Lake game:
John, screaming at Beckham: "Bend it like Klein!"
Me, screaming to Beckham after the game: "Take it off!"
JP, whenever he got a chance "Go REAL! hehe"
Stephani, trying to pretend she wasn't there with us
So John's interview didn't make it onto the news, but mine, unfortunately, did. After John gave a nice, intelligent interview, the lady turned to me and asked me how I felt about the new stadium, to which I replied:
"Der. We're uh, really excited. snort."
John DVR'd the news and when we came home from the game I was horrified to see that there was not one, but TWO clips of me looking like a dufuss on the local news. John rewound it a bunch of times to re-watch the clips while I huddled in the corner nauseated.
"Stop! I can't stand seeing this anymore!" I pleaded with him
"Don't watch yourself, look at our son!"
And he was right. Alex was beyond cute in his backwards trucker hat holding the Fox News microphone. And admittedly, it was pretty cute to end the segment with a shot of Alex grabbing the mic from the lady while she asked him (Alex) how he felt about the stadium and after an appropriate silence, my response "He's speechless".
We're getting our staduim! WOO HOO! John, Alex, JP, Steph and I all went down to the ground breaking ceremony this afternoon to witness history being made.
Real Madrid, in town for tonight's exhibition game, were at the ceremony and I got my very first glimpse of the one, the only, David Beckham. Admittedly, I never really understood what all the fuss was about. I never thought he was all that attractive. I was wrong. He stepped off the bus and it was like he was surrounded by heavenly light, moving in slow motion to the "AHHHHHHHHH" of an angel choir. He is very, very pretty. I think the crowd may have actually gasped. I stood about 10 feet away and took fuzzy pictures of the back of his head with John's camera phone.
Alex, John and I were interviewed by Fox News. If they use our clips, I'm the one who has a hole in my shirt holding the baby in the brown trucker hat who's eating the microphone. Classy. I think John gave a pretty good interview though, and I hope it makes it on air.
Um. I don't want to talk about it. This week's effort was somewhat less than stellar. I can't even offer up a respectable excuse for my failure. I'll just sum it up by admitting that yesterday I had McD's for breakfast, then proceeded to go to two separate fast food joints for lunch in search of the perfect fried potato (which I found at KFC if you must know).
Instead of moping about it, I'll just suck it up and start fresh tomorrow.
Alex tried TWICE last night to take a step on his very own without holding on to something. He wasn't very successful, both times he just fell forward. But the point here is that he tried. Which means he'll be trying more in the days and weeks to come, and that will only lead to one thing. I will have a toddler.
God help me.
It's official, we're going to be poor. Not living in a cardboard box poor, but living paycheck to paycheck poor. Last night John and I spent a lot of time talking about all the things we won't be able to do anymore. Golfing, sporting events, movies, dining out and traveling are definitely out. Alex's college fund and our retirement savings are both on hold. Christmas? Well, it's canceled this year (though we're not Christians anyway, so maybe it's time to stop being hypocritical in celebrating a religious holiday). We've already scaled down our cable package as much as John could stand, though our sports, HD and Internet packages have to stay because John is absolutely certain he would die without them.
I had to tell John to stop talking about all this because it was really making me feel guilty about quitting. After all the agony of making the decision, and the fact that my company is not making it easy for me to leave, thinking about how my decision is going to suck all of the fun out of our lives was becoming way too much. It's one thing to be broke. It's another to choose to be broke.
By the end of the evening, I found myself crying my eyes out in our office downstairs, thinking of how I'm letting down my family by not making a financial contribution anymore. I thought about the classes that Alex can't go to because we can't afford it. I thought about the big games John's not going to attend. I thought about the preschool we can't afford (in three years), the team sports Alex won't be able to participate in. The collectibles John won't be able to buy, the house we'll have to move out of, the future babies we can't afford to have... My thoughts spiraled down into a ridiculous puddle of guilt and self pity.
Then I remembered something John said to me earlier in the evening that apparently I hadn't absorbed at the time because I was worrying about how we can't afford to buy beer at baseball games anymore. He said, "You're going to be important to Team Dillier" And just like that I remembered why we made this decision in the first place.
I can always get another job. There will always be another house to buy, games to go to and Holidays to celebrate lavishly.
There will never be another 10 month old Alex to raise. There will never be another first step or first word. There will never be another opportunity to be with my baby boy, who is rapidly growing out of his babyness as I speak. Alex doesn't care about Tball and soccer right now. He doesn't care about Baby Gym classes or getting on the waiting list for the exclusive private pre-school I'd been scoping out since he was just an embryo. Alex wants someone to play peekaboo with. He wants to be pushed on a swing at the park. He wants to bang on a drum with a plastic hammer and feed cheerios to our dog. He wants to go on walks and laugh at the horses and he wants to roll around on the freshly mowed lawn. And I realized that when I'm older, those are the memories that I'm going to cherish. I'm going to remember Alex's gap-toothed smile and full body giggles not how I helped to roll out that new software back in 2006.
This morning I woke to find that my cat had puked an exact map of the Hawaiian islands on my bedroom floor. I was so impressed, I didn't even get mad.
As promised, my first weekly update.
August's monthly weight loss goal is 10 pounds.
Week 1 weight loss: 2 pounds
Here were my goals for the week and how I did:
So, I did ok. I made minor improvements and actually lost 2 pounds, which was a surprise. I was a stress ball all week because of my decision to quit my job. You'd have thought I was having to make the decision to start a nuclear war or something what with all the nail biting, hand wriging and stress related GI problems this week has been filled with. I think I may have given myself an ulcer. And considering the fact that I'm a stress eater, it's a miracle I didn't gain 5 pounds this week. So, all in all, I'd call the week a success.
So I've made a list of all the things I want to do when I'm not working anymore (last day Sept 1st!)
Home stuff:
Alex stuff:
Me stuff:
Other stuff:
Whew! I'm going to be a busy girl! I'm so excited. And I am SO THANKFUL that I married John who has been nothing but loving, thoughtful and supportive of me the last five years. I would never have the opportunity to try to be the mom, wife and person I want to be without his support.
So, I did it. I quit my job.
Holy. Shit.
This is something John and I have been talking about since before Alex was born. It got serious about two months ago and only now I've decided to take the plunge and leave my lucrative employment to become a housewife and stay at home mom.
To sum up how monumental this decision is for me, I will quote a conversation I had with my mom this afternoon:
Me (Screaming into the phone): "Mom! I've made a HUGE life changing decision! I can't believe it! I'm so excited and scared and OH MY GOD!"
Her: "Are you pregnant?"
Me: "NO! It's bigger than that! I QUIT MY JOB!"
Her: "Quitting your job is bigger than having a baby?"
Me: "Well, yeah. I've had a baby. I've never been unemployed"
There are many unknowns and worries about loosing half our household income, but instead of fretting about it, I'm just going to look forward to my new life as Alex's full time diaper changer, toy picker-upper, booger picker, Eskimo kisser, tummy raspberry blower and toe nibbler.
