Another thing I'm not sure I can do, but I'm going to do it anyway

I'm participating in NaNoWriMo next month.  50,000 words in 30 days.  Seeing as how I've started at least a dozen novels in the last 10 years and have a cumulative total of maybe 10,000 words, this will be, well, a challenge. But, the thought of having an actual DEADLINE to work toward, might actually get me to finish at least one book. Ok, so it will likely be a crappy book, but a book nonetheless and I can cross that off my life-list with confidence.

I've got a few ideas floating around in my head, but I think what I'll do is sit down on Sunday night after the boys go to bed and just start writing whatever comes to me and that will be my novel. If you're interested, you can follow my progress here: http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/554685

Run

I went running today. And when I say I "went running" I really mean that I went to the park and hobbled along the path at a slightly quicker pace than my usual walk for about a quarter mile.

I learned a few things from this morning's "run" though:

a) it is WAY easier to run here in Oregon than in Utah and it seems to have everything to do with the altitude. I can BREATHE here.  I've noticed this while walking as I hardly ever get winded at all, even going up steep hills.  It's really awesome because I can feel like I've actually increased my stamina, I haven't, actually, but somehow it's still motivating to me.

b) it SUCKS to take the dog with me. Where we live, and I imagine all of Oregon because it's so woodsy here, is positively INFESTED with squirrels.  Have you ever tried to walk a dog through a squirrel infested park?  Now try running with that dog through the squirrel infested park.  Lots of pulling and tugging and tripping over each other.  One of us is going to get killed or break a leg, I'm sure of it.

c) I HATE running. I HATE HATE HATE it.

d) Yet, despite the firery hatered I have for running, I still dream of running a 5k.  Probably because it feels so impossible for me to do.  I mean really, ME?  RUN? A 5K? And SURVIVE?  Why not?  Linda has been hugely inspiring for me lately, She's doing 5k's, she did a triathalon, she's training for a half marathon! I mean how can you NOT be inspired by her?  Her most recent post about not wanting to run, her last line literally made me get off my ass and put on my running shoes "It makes me feel like I’m capable of doing anything I set my mind to." 

So, I've made a goal for myself. I will run a 5k. I will run outside, I will run with the dog, I will run with the kids in the jogging stroller, I will go to the gym and run on the treadmill, but I will train and I will run a 5k this Spring.  I will do it even if I hate it.  Once I've crossed the finish line, if I never want to run again, I won't.  I don't need to become "a runner"  I just need to do something that seems impossible, if, for no other reason, to prove to myself that I can.

Better

The worst thing about a completely irrational freakout is the fact that I KNOW I'm being completely irrational, yet I can't stop freaking out.

Today Alex seems better yet again.  He had a 102 degree fever at 4:00 this morning, but after I gave him some Tylenol and he went back to bed, he got up this morning around 8:00 fever free and as of right now (1:30 in the afternoon) is still a healthy 97.6 degrees.  So, I'm hopeful we can start our 24 hour countdown before he's allowed to leave quarrantine and get out of the house for a bit.  He still can't breathe out of his nose and is having EPIC booger production, but otherwise his spirits are up and he's got plenty of energy to torment his brother.  When I asked him if he's feeling better he responded "I am feeling better today because you filled me up with medicine"

Max and John still have coughs and John is dealing with his trademark mucus overproduction issues, and I've got a headache, but I'm thinking that has more to do with lack of sleep and worry about my little boy bursting into a fireball at any minute from fever.  I went to the craft store this morning and brought home a bunch of little art projects for Alex to do since he feels better but still can't leave the house.  He can't go to school today, but I'm crossing my fingers he'll be able to go on Thursday because they're having a Halloween party and he's been so excited to go to school in his Spiderman costume.

I'm going to try to do some yoga every day, nothing fancy like standing on my head or twisting into a prezel, just some meditative breathing and stretching.  Give myself some time to relax and clear my mind. As the matriarch of this family, my mood sets the tone of our household, and that old saying "if mama ain't happy no one is" can really be true.  Having a nuclear panic attack about something only makes that something harder to deal with than it really has to be.  If Alex really does have H1N1 and really is getting better now, I have to say that all the stress and worry I had was really pretty silly because when compared to other illnesses he's had in his short life, this one was fairly mild.  If Max, John and I get it, I'm going to hope it is mild for us as well instead of freaking out because WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! GAAAAHHHH!

I'll just go ahead and have a good old fashioned emotional breakdown

So after all my hemming and hawing about whether or not to get the H1N1 shot, it doesn't even matter because it's impossible to even GET the shot yet and Alex is already sick, which means it's just a matter of time before the rest of us succumb.

Then, I hem and haw about the Tamiflu, he seems better, but then he didn't anymore and is now registering a 102 degree temp again.  After a frantic call to John (who's out getting the car fixed with money we don't have) he agrees to give him the Tamiflu, which I do, and Alex promptly throws it all up.

Shit.

I'm already completely worked up about the Swine Flu because of the stupid media and their determination to cause a nationwide panic, then Obama and his "state of emergency" and THREE pediatricians telling me Alex could DIE from the fucking Swine Flu and here he's probably got it and the best defense against it is Tamiflu which I can't even get him to take without him throwing up and not even GETTING the medication in his system and Max is going around licking everything and I can't keep him away from his brother and John is high risk for complications with the flu as well because of his asthma and kidney disease, not to mention he doesn't get sick pay at work, so if he's out sick how do we pay our rent? Buy groceries? Pay for our ridiculously expensive insurance so we can afford the medical bills that will surely pile up with all of these high risk flu suffering people I live with??? What if they fire him because he's only been working for three weeks, and now he already has to take time off???

GAHHHH!

John, always the calm one, says we'll get through it. We always do, to which I respond YES! WE ALWAYS DO AND WHAT IF WE'VE USED UP ALL OUR MOJO? THE HOUSE ISN'T SELLING! I CAN'T FIND A JOB!! WE HAVE THE SWINE FLU! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! AGGGGGHHHHH! 

I think it's pretty clear that I've already lost it and perhaps the flu isn't the worst of our problems anymore. 

Damned pigs

So Alex may or may not have the Swine Flu.  He's got a flu, that much seems certain, and according to the doctors and nurses I've spoken with recently, Swine Flu is actually more common right now than the regular seasonal flu.  Alex just got his seasonal flu shot, so everyone is assuming he's got the Swine Flu.  John thinks the flu shot gave him the regular flu.  Who knows.  What I do know is my little boy's sick and that sucks.

All the hype and drama about the Swine Flu has me more worried about Alex being sick than usual, which, considering I barely manage my children's illnesses without going into a full blown panic attack before the Swine Flu craziness, you can imagine when Alex was moping around with a 102 degree fever on Saturday evening, I freaked right the hell out.  I spent over an hour on the phone Sunday morning trying to talk to a nurse because I was unwilling to take my poor feverish sick baby boy off his comfy spot on the sofa and into a Swine Flu infested urgent care clinic.  The nurse talked to a pediatrician and the pediatrician called in a prescription for Tamiflu and Albuterol.  Since Alex has asthma, he's at a higher risk than other kids of developing more serious respritory complications.

So, I gave him the Tamiflu yesterday afternoon. He only got about half of it in his mouth and spit the other half out, then later, he threw up.  We spent the day and night giving him Tylenol to keep his now 103.5 degree fever down, cool baths, washcloths, etc and this morning he doesn't appear to have a fever at all.  This morning, he's eaten a pancake and acting more or less normal, albeit with a stuffy nose, and I'm thinking, maybe I prematurely freaked out about him having the flu (wouldn't be the first time I freaked out before there was anything to freak out about).  Yesterday I called the nurse before he had any wheezing because I wanted to try to preemtively head off an asthma attack.  But now I'm thinking, maybe he would have been fine.  Alex doesn't want to take the Tamiflu today, he's afraid it will make him throw up again. I'm inclined to agree.  I've always been uncomfortable giving a kid already on the mend medication. But, I was told by the pharmacist to give him the full round of the medication even if it appears he's getting better.  But here I'm looking at him and thinking, I'm not sure if it was the Tamiflu that is making him better now because I'm not sure he even got much of his first dose.

So, do I give him the Tamiflu that makes him throw up and feel sicker when he's already feeling better?  The thing is, if I don't give it to him, and he gets worse again, I don't think Tamiflu will work for him if we try it again because you're supposed to give it to them within the first 12-24 hours of flu symptoms.  GAH! 

I don't think I'm going to.  John agrees.  Alex doesn't want to take it. I don't blame him.  I have the Albuterol and at the first sign of wheezing I'll take him straight to the ER if the puffer doesn't help. 

I hate it when my boys are sick. It's awful watching your baby be miserable and not knowing what to do to help them but DESPERATELY wanting to make it all better.

Autumn

I took Fancy for a walk this afternoon and it took me twice as long to finish our loop than normal because I kept stopping and staring at the leaves on the trees.  Autumn is my favorite time of year and I always made a point to take a drive in the mountains in September to see the colors.  Now I live in Oregon and the colors are right outside my door.

I've never seen color like this before.  Vibrant reds and oranges, the leaves start turning red around the edges, moving to orange, yellow and finally bright green in the center.  It's crazy beautiful.  My walking route takes me along a part of a street that is completely covered by trees.  The leaves, which were a light green in September have turned hot pink, and look like they are glowing with the afternoon sun shining through them.  It almost looks like a tunnel made out of pink flower petals.  I keep meaning to take my camera with me, but I always forget. Maybe I will tomorrow, though the leaves could be all gone by then, more and more fall every day.

The weather itself couldn't be more perfect.  We're getting more rain and it's cloudy more often than not already, but the temperature is mild, in the 60's. Even when it's raining. The boys and I go to the park everyday wearing sweatshirts, but quickly have to shed them because it gets too warm when we're chasing each other around.

The rain itself isn't what I'm used to.  There have been a few days with short downpours (and I assume these will become longer and more frequent as we move into winter), but it seems most of the time it's just wet out.  Sprinkling and misty.  It's humid enough to make my hair fuzz up into an impressive white girl afro reminiscent of that one time my mom gave me a home perm, but not enough to be uncomfortable in any way (unless you have to be seen in public with me and my 'fro, that's uncomfortable, I'm sure).

I find myself wanting to be outside all the time.  Rain or shine, I want to be outside.  I've never been very outdoorsy, but these days I'm forcing my family to go on nature walks with me several times a week.  The air is so clean and fresh.  It's easier to breathe here because we're at a lower altitude, so I never get winded walking up a hill.  I may even give jogging a try again.  Or not. I really hate jogging.

I feel so lucky to be able to live here, a place I'm falling in love with every day.  I am nervous about winter, it's so strange not to know what to expect.  But I feel like I could forgive Portland of anything it decides to throw at us this winter, as long as it rewards me with a spectacular autumn every year.

Fight club

The boys are now at the age where they are fighting, oh, about 99.999% of their waking hours together.  It seems I spend all my time making sure they don't kill each other.  Strangely, the .001% of the time when they're sweet together actually DOES make up for all the fighting because it's just so cute.  It will go quiet and I'll rush into the room thinking surely they're both dead, why else do I not hear screaming? And I find them sitting on the couch together, Alex's arm around Max, watching Word World or looking at a book.  Of course the moment is fleeting, if I blink, I miss it, Max will then drool on Alex or Alex will squeeze his brother a little too aggressively or the dog will walk by and disturb the delicate atmosphere and they're fighting again.

Three things

First, I have some business to take care of.  I forgot to add these words to the Master List of Words Max Can Say:

Bubbles
Hi
Sheshe (fishie)
Book
Hat
Ni Hao (learned from watching Ni Hao Kai Lan)
Emmo World (Elmo's world)

He's adding words to his vocabulary almost every hour at this point.

*Note: I realize it seems he knows the name for A LOT of TV shows. We don't watch THAT much TV, it's just that we watch the same shows a lot.

Second, I'm sorry that my posts have been so dry and boring lately. I know my writing has sucked recently and I hope when we can get our family on a reliable routine, I can carve out some "me time" during which I plan to blog better and more often.

Third, an update: John's off to his third day of training at his new job and so far he's happy going to work. Which is in stark contrast to his last job where he'd get all gray and grumpy and I'd have to literally SHOVE him out the door while he dragged his feet saying "I don't want to go! Ugh, do I really have to? Don't make me go!" Then, as soon as he got to work, I'd get a Skype text from him "I WANT TO COME HOME!".  I realize he's still in training, and next week, when he's actually DOING the job may bring on a different going to work attitude, but overall, we're really excited and hopeful about the career change.  I know he's going to kick ass at this job and get promoted like crazy.  I've forbade him to talk about money, he's really worried about how we'll live on his new, much lower, income.  But as far as I'm concerned it will work out becasue it HAS to work out.  I'm not going to allow myself to worry about the house in Utah not selling until we run out of money to pay the mortgage (probably around the first of the year). 

This summer, when we realized that we wanted to make a significant life change in the hopes of making our family happier, we knew it would be hard.  We knew we'd have to make sacrifices.  We knew there would be risks.  The easy part was leaving our old life.  We were done with it.  We were sick of it.  We were ready and excited for the changes ahead.  Now is the hard part.  Now we have to rebuild our life from scratch.  This is really hard and there are still so many unknowns. But, the good news is, we're already MUCH happier.

Words 'n' stuff

So many things are going on lately, I'd love to blog about it all, but I just don't have time. I'm still not sure what I do all day, but it does seem that I am busy all damn day long.

There has been a recent explosion in toddler vocabulary lately.  I don't remember Alex talking this much, at least not in words humans could understand.  In fact, I remember when he was almost two I worried about him being speech delayed.  He wasn't.  The problem was I was a first time mom and worrying was something of a full time occupation.  I'm not really sure if Max is talking more or if I'm more fluent in toddlerese and understand him better than I understood Alex.  For the sake of documenting my son's life (alas, I haven't even STARTED a baby book for Max.) here is a list of Max's words:

Mommy
Daddy
Buddy (for Alex)
Dog
Kitty
Candy (pronounced NANDY!)
Doddog (hotdog)
Sees (Cheese)
Kee kee (Blankie)
Bobble (bottle)
WERWORLD! (Word World)
Bob Bob (SpongeBob)
Juice
Apple Juice
MEAN!
Car
Ball
Me (he says this when he wants to be picked up. ME! MEEEEE!)
Mine
Pee pee

He can parrot almost any word you ask him to, but the above list are words that he uses on his own.

Alex started preschool and it seems to be going real well.  He goes two days a week for 2.5 hours each day.  The first week he got in trouble both days and had to be sent to the time out chair.  Last week it seems he decided he didn't like the time out chair and hasn't gotten into trouble at all.  He's really enjoying it.  The last two weeks have just been fun days though, crafts and songs and games, show and tell, getting the kids acquainted with the classroom, teachers, eachother, etc.  This coming week they start on some academics; learning letters, math and geography.  I'm glad I was able to find this preschool program for him because he really loves it and it's affordable for us. 

John starts his new job on Monday. I think we're both ready for him to go back to work, it's been almost 2 months he's been unemployed and we're starting to drive each other crazy.  I won't deny that it's been nice to have his help with the kids, but I'm ready to get back to our old routine.  I will miss him though.  Especially since he's my only source of adult conversation, not having any friends here yet. I'm going to try to remedy that problem this coming week though, I'm going to an open house for a local mom's group.  If I like them, maybe I'll join.  I made such great friends through my old mom's group, I'm hopeful I'll be able to do the same thing here.

In general we're still loving Oregon.  The weather has been wonderful since we've moved, it's been raining a bit more the last week or so, but not bad.  In fact, it hasn't even been bad enough to make us stay indoors.  We've been going to the zoo, on hikes, to the park...there's so much to do here.  I'm hoping to do as much as we can outside before the real rain and cold set in.  I still really have no idea what to expect this coming winter.  People say it'll be cold and icy, some people say it's much milder than Salt Lake, some people say it snows...who knows.