Life is always unfair

"Is this a good time to talk?"

oh no. First of all my mom NEVER calls. She emails. Second, if she's not emailing me what she wants to tell me, it can't be good.

"sure, what's up?" I ask, trying to be upbeat, but bracing myself for...who knows what

"Mark has cancer."

I couldn't have possibly prepared myself for that

"..."

"he has a tumor in his esohpogus and it's malignant"

"..."

"are you there? I can't hear you."

"Fuck. This fucking sucks. FUCK!"

Ok, so not exactly a pillar of support am I?  Well, this can't fucking happen is how I feel. There is no fucking way I can lose my step dad to cancer is how I feel.  I'm taken back to this same fucking conversation some 15 years ago when they told me my dad had cancer. Now I don't have a fucking dad. Fucking cancer.

Yeah, I don't handle this sort of thing well.

It's been a week or so since that phone call and we've learned that the cancer is localized and it is operable and Mark is going under the knife to remove the tumor on Monday.  It is a big deal.  The operation has to be performed by a cardiologist because the tumor is located next to his heart. There are so many risks along with this surgery it's almost scarier than the cancer.

And this is MARK we're talking about here.  I don't think I've really written about him before, but this man, my god, this man is quite possibly one of the most warm, loving, caring, tender hearted people on the planet.  This is a man who befriended my father, his wife's EX HUSBAND, and helped care for him in his last days.  This is a man who loves my mother unconditionally and will always, ALWAYS take care of her.  This is a man who is so much more than a step dad to me.  He didn't replace my dad, no one could, but he has become as much like a father to me as is possible.  He is my kid's Grandpa and I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves my kids as unconditionally and completely as he loves his biological grandkids. And they love him just as much.

I love you Mark.  Know I am thinking of you and love you always. Now KICK CANCER'S ASS and get better soon!

Grandpa/Grandson, originally uploaded by Jmelee.

 

2011 resolutions

Weight loss - In general I want to eat healthier and exercise for the sake of feeling good and taking care of my body, but I also want to focus on weight loss this year as well.  I want to lose 50 lbs by the end of the year.

Money management - I am so sick of being broke. John and I have recently restructured the way we do our finances putting me in charge of our household spending (groceries, gas, entertainment and basically anything that isn't a debt pmt, utility bill or rent).  So my goal is to keep our spending on a budget and somehow find extra money to start paying off our debts.

Move - After saying I want to try to get out of debt it seems crazy to turn around and make my next goal about spending more money on housing, but this is a priority for me this year.  In fact I fully intend to be in a bigger place by Spring.

De-frump - I get up at 3am to go to work where there is a very relaxed dress code, then I come home and I'm with my kids the rest of the day.  This means I wear jeans and John's old sweatshirts every day, and my hair is most often tied up in a messy bun.  However when I do get dressed up, even just putting on a cute shirt, blow drying my hair and putting on some eyeliner, I feel 1000x better about myself.  Most mornings I don't think it's worth the hassle, who am I dressing up for anyway?  My co workers? My kids?  I never even see John during daylight hours... I am going to start dressing up for ME.

Reading - both for myself and to the boys.  I love to read and I don't get to do as much as I'd like.  I want to do more.  Also, I want to read more to the boys.  We usually do read a story at night, but I'd like to start reading bigger books to them, well, to Alex anyway, maybe a chapter every night.

Bedtime - Almost every night the boys sleep in bed with me. I'm exahusted by bedtime and I'm too tired to fight with them about going to bed, so I throw them in bed with me, turn on a show and we all fall asleep in my bed together.  Then John comes home and sleeps on the couch because there's no room for him in bed and he's afraid to move the boys to their rooms and wake them up. Yeah, this has got to stop.  I'm starting an "Everyone sleeps in their own bed!" rule, with exceptions for nightmares or illness (when they boys have asthma problems I like them to sleep with me so I can be close when they have trouble breathing)

Potty training and thumb sucking - Max WILL be potty trained, he's ready, just stubborn. Alex's thumb sucking has gone from a nighttime thing to an ALL THE TIME thing, the first step is to get him to stop doing it all day long, then, maybe the night time thumb sucking won't be as big a deal.

Take a good family photo - 'nuff said