I've been grumpy lately. I'm just letting everything get to me. After a year of deperately seeking the positive in our career/financial crisis, now that things are settling down a bit, I guess I've let down my guard and the bad feelings I've kept at bay this whole time are flooding in.
I've wasted this entire weekend being pissy and picking pointless fights with John. Which is just monumentally stupid, we get so little time together because of our work schedules, and I waste it bickering with him. I finally pulled my head out of my ass by Sunday afternoon when we took the boys to Grant Park and watched them play in the fountain, climb on the jungle gym and we played a game of Dillier Soccer (which is really just trying to get the boys to leave the ball on the ground and kick it instead of picking it up and running away. It's cute though. And fun). I was in this great park in this amazingly beautiful city with my happy, healthy totally awesome boys and a man I am crazy in love with. WHAT THE HELL IS MY PROBLEM? WHAT DO I HAVE TO BE BITCHY ABOUT?
I blamed it on my job. I've been promoted, and while the job does offer more of a challenge (instead of being mind numbingly boring like my old job), it's also very negative (I take escalated customer service calls now) and maybe all the negativity I deal with all week got to me.
I blamed it on our apartment. I want a bigger place. I want a yard. I want a garage or AT LEAST 2 designated parking spots so I dont' have to lug groceries and 2 kids across the apartment complex to our place.
I blamed it on our dog. If she wasn't INSANE, we wouldn't NEED a yard, we could just take her to the park with us and the boys and she wouldn't try to eat the other kids/dogs/squirrels. And why does she have to be a BIG dog? It's hard to find a rental that will take us because of her. And WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO POOP SO MUCH!??!?
I blamed it on the World Cup. WHY did the US have to play Ghana on the day I wanted to go to Changs (or favorite mongolian bbq place. The boys call it "Chopsticks") after work and then drive out to the coast? OF COURSE John wasn't going to want to. AND THEN, AND THEN! They didn't even have the decency to even WIN the game! They ruined MY WHOLE SATURDAY! GAH!
I blamed it on John's job. John, like me, has recently been hired on permanently to his company (we were both working through temp agencies) and this happened for both of us the same week. This means we're going from our weekly pay schedule to my every two weeks and John's twice a month pay schedule, which means we only got my paycheck this week which means after rent gets paid we have ZERO dollars to last us until John's company pays him on the 5th.
I blamed it on my gall bladder and John's kidneys. Both defective, yet we haven't been able to see anyone about it because our health insurance keeps changing. Along with John and me getting hired permanently, we lost the benefits we got through the agency. John can't get benefits at his company and I have to wait 90 days to get mine. Meanwhile John's RX's will expire before he can see a new nephrologist and they have no refills and my gall bladder may very well explode, yet I can't do anything about it because if I see a dr about it before my benefits kick in, if I have to have it removed, it won't be covered. Which we can't afford.
I blamed it on my ass, which is fat. And I'M SICK OF BEING FAT.
I blamed it on the cookies, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO YUMMY??
I blamed it on John because he didn't do exactly what I wanted him to do exactly when I wanted him to do it. And yes, I WAS that immature this weekend and no, I am not proud of it.
I blamed it on Republicans and those Jehova's Witnesses that keep coming to our door and oil spills and high fructose corn syrup and country music and BYU and my allergies and those freaky huge ants that keep coming into our apartment and reality televison and Donny Osmond.
I blamed my pissy mood on everything under the sun but the one thing that was actually responsible for it.
Me.
I can't control a lot of things going on right now and it's making me crazy. What I can do is focus on the things I have control over. I can work hard at my job and try to earn more money. I can make the most of my time with John instead of ruining it with my bitchiness. I can eat better and exercise which not only will help me lose some weight but is bound to make me feel better in general. And I can take a look at this awesome life I have and appreciate it for what it is instead of trying to force it into what I think it should be.
