Appreciation

I think there will come a time when I'll miss being pregnant.  As unimaginable as that seems to me now while I'm in the thick of it, I know that a year, two years, three... I'll look at my boys, no longer babies, and I'll long for that feeling of anticipation, newness, smallness, innocence, being needed.  I think one day I'll feel sad that I'll never again feel a baby kick me from the inside, or be able to surprise my husband with a positive pregnancy test, or meet my baby for the first time.  I won't get to fold itty bitty onesies and imagine what life will be like when there's a whole new person around.

John said something to me the other day that made me very sad.  He told me he didn't think that I appreciated our new son.  That all I do is complain about being pregnant and how awful and painful and uncomfortable it is.  And he's right in that I've been doing a hell of a lot of complaining, but he couldn't be more wrong about my appreciation of the life inside of me.  I may not be thrilled about the symptoms of pregnancy, but that doesn't mean that I'm not completely and totally in love with our youngest family member.  I'm very excited about this new baby.  I'm beyond thrilled to be able to give Alex a brother, I'm happy that we're expanding our family and adding a new layer, a new personality, a new happiness to our lives.  This baby will complete our family and that feels like just as momentous an occasion as when Alex made us a family to begin with.  This is such a special event.  A new person is about to join our family.  Is there anything bigger than that?  Is there any event more worthy of appreciation?   

With six weeks left, I am going to try harder to appreciate this experience.  Knowing that I won't be here again, knowing that time goes by so fast, I am going to try to live as much in the moment as I can.  I will relish every kick, every wiggle.  Instead of just throwing all the baby stuff into the new nursery, I'll really look at these little booties and feel how soft the blankets are and marvel at the teeny tiny diapers. 

These are the last few weeks where this baby and I will be one and the same.  These are the last few weeks I get to keep him all to myself.  Pretty soon he'll be out and he'll belong to the world, but for now, he's mine, he's all mine and that's a relationship I'll never have with my child again.  These are also the last few weeks where Alex is my one and only.  After this baby is born, it will be some time before he gets my undivided attention again.  It'll never be just him and me anymore and that's something that, though I know our lives will be even better for bringing this new person into our family, I will miss deeply.  I am going to enjoy these things while they last.