Feelings

I don't have the energy to write out all that has happened since Wednesday.  I will, hopefully soon, record the entire experience with possibly way too much detail, but for now, thankfully Grandma Jen has been recording events on her blog, so I will point you in that direction to fill you in on things up until now.  http://grandmajenandgrandpajoe.blogspot.com/

Go ahead and read up, I'll wait...

I find the best way I'm able to cope with this situation is to live completely in the now.  Even looking back to Max's birth, which was better than I had ever planned or hoped for, makes me sad because all I can think about is, how could we be HERE after that?  When I realize the answer: SOMEONE ELSE'S MISTAKE.  Someone who was supposed to be protecting and caring for my son.  Making him healthy, not almost killing him.  This shouldn't have happened.  This can't have happened.  I just sink into those negative feelings.  I'm mad. I'm confused. I'm upset. I'm disappointed. I'm feeling a million different emotions I don't even have names for, but none of them good.  However, if I let go of that, for now.  If I just accept that we are here.  This horrible thing did happen.  But look how he's improved! He's alive!  He's breathing on his own!  I can hold him! He's off most of his medications now!  He is in the best Children's Hospital in the country and he's receiving care from top notch doctors and nurses and specialists!  When I focus on that, I am able to hold my son in my arms and be the best mom I can be to him.  I'm no good to Max if I'm angry or sobbing uncontrollably.  If I can keep positive, as cheesy as it may sound, I feel like I can somehow infuse him with my positive energy, help him keep fighting and keep improving.  I don't know.  It's just my way of coping.

Strangley, or perhaps not, the hardest thing for me at the moment is missing my Alex.  Feeling like I've abandoned him.  Max needs me here with him, so I am, but I need Alex.  He's with my mom and having a ball at Grandma Babs' Hotel and Resort complete with not one but TWO puppies.  She's been bringing him to see me every day and I'm calling at least twice a day to try to talk to him (he hates the phone though).  These feelings aren't productive, but I find these are the ones I'm having a harder time putting aside for the greater good.