Chuck Norris

John managed to weasel all of his birthday and father's day presents out of me early again this year.  He does this every year, but he's been working on me since early May, and I figured that he did have a decent point, we very well could be in the hospital with a new baby on his birthday and he should get the chance to enjoy his presents before that, just in case.

One of the gifts I gave him was a book called "The Truth About Chuck Norris.  400 Facts about the world's greatest human".  John really liked the gift, but I think I may be getting the most out of it, probably because I've barely put it down to give John an opportunity to read it.  I can hardly open it up without being reduced to a hysterical laughing fit complete with tears.  John was going to take it to work today, but he's decided to leave it home so I can read the rest of it.  I have become convinced that this book could cause me to go into labor simply by laughing so hard.  Here are a couple of my favorite "facts" so far:

The origin of Chuck Norris:
Chuck Norris was born of the Greek gods Ares and Hermes in a grand session of butt sex that may never be equaled.

Chuck Norris and time management:
Chuck Norris can stop time for up to two hours by thinking about pineapples.

Chuck Norris has no concept of time; if you go to his house, you won't find a single clock.  When you ask to leave because it's getting late, he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.

Chuck Norris and foreign relations:
In Indochina, Chuck Norris's left testicle is worshiped as the god of love, whereas his right testicle is viewed as a fire-breathing demon from hell.

Chuck Norris's poop is used as currency in Argentina.

While not officially a diplomat, Chuck Norris has his own seat at the United Nations.  He walked into the building by accident in 1992 and sat down in a seat reserved for the representative from Denmark, who chose to sit cross-legged on the floor rather than risk asking him to leave.

Chuck Norris and history:
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

The book also has some illustrations, the best one I've seen so far goes along with the fact that rainbows are what happens when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Richard Simmons.