The birth of Max James

I got up at 5am Wednesday morning after a night of tossing and turning.  By six I started having fairly strong contractions about 10 minutes apart.  I called labor and delivery at 7am as I was supposed to to confirm my induction was still on and what time to be in.  They told me I could come in at 8. 

By the time my mom came to pick Alex up at 7:45 my contractions were five minutes apart and strong, I'd lost my mucous plug and I was beginning to realize that I was in labor.  At the hospital, they checked me and confirmed that I was dilated to 4 centimeters and the monitors were picking up my contractions.  We asked the nurses if I even needed to get the Pitocin, to which the nurse asked us "How long do you want to be here?"  "hook me up" I responded.  They assured me they'd only give me a small amount.  Soon my doctor came in and broke my water and announced I was at five centimeters already and I should get an epidural.  I didn't feel like I needed an epidural yet, so I told them to wait.  "Do you want to go natural?" the nurse asked me.  "I don't know" I responded.  "I'd like to, but I don't want to commit"  "Ok, just yell when you want one."

My contractions kept coming, stronger and closer together and at about 10:00, the nurse came in to check me.  I'd been handling them just fine by doing deep breathing, but when she lowered the bed putting me flat on my back I freaked out.  She waited through the contraction I was having and told me to breathe and turn on my side, but all I could manage doing was crying "oh GOD! OH GOD! I can't do this! I don't want to be on my back! I don't want to be on my back!!"  She checked me and I was at six centimeters.  She raised the bed again and I went back to sitting completely upright with my knees bent, bottoms of my feet pressed together.  After the nurse left, I had another contraction and I had a real hard time staying in control.  I told John I was having trouble relaxing through them like I was supposed to.  "Is that what you're supposed to do?"  He asked.  "I don't know!  Isn't it?" I responded "I'll check the book"  He got out our copy of Husband Coached Childbirth.  The book he got back in December and never finished reading the last half.  He frantically searched through the book for adivce on how to handle active labor "Are you in first stage or second stage?" he asked me "I DON'T KNOW!!!!!"  I growled  "Why are we so unprepared?"  "Aaggghhh!  Here's another one, what do I do? WHAT DO I DO??"  John started reading aloud something about deep beathing and pelvic rocking, "Shhh!  Don't talk to me"  I told John and somehow was able to get back into control and got through the contraction with minimal freaking out.

Once I was back in control of my breathing, I was able to handle the stronger contractions.  I still don't know what had happened when I was on my back, but I quickly developed a fear of being on my back and made John promise I wouldn't have to lay on my back ever again.  I also began obsessing about the fact that I hadn't pooped yet that morning.  I was sure I'd poop when I had the baby.  I asked John if he'd still love me if he saw me poop on our baby.  He assured me that he would.  It seemed every contraction for the next half hour I'd cry "I'm going to poop!".

Contractions got stronger and stronger and John offered to rub my back through them.  I thought that sounded nice, but the first time he tried I screamed "DON'T TOUCH ME!".  Somehow we figured out what I needed.  As soon as a contraction started I would squeeze John's hand and he'd stand up and hug me.  I'd try to breathe through the contraction as best I could while practically ripping his shrit sleeve off at the same time.  Soon breathing through the contractions turned to moaning through the contractions and we managed with a combination of the hugging thing with me also biting John's shoulder, which I'm sure felt just lovely, to me finding a "focal point", which happened to be the keyhole on the cabinet across the room while I tried not to howl in pain.  I wasn't breathing very effectively by now and my whole body was buzzing like there was an electrical current going through me.  For some reason this is what I complained about the most.  The contractions were so intense, but all I could do was complain about my legs, they're buzzing!

The nurse came in again and wanted to check me and I outright refused to lay on my back.  She did manage to get me to allow her to lay the bed back enough for her to check and find that I was eight centimeters.  It had to be about 11:30 by now, I have no idea.  She asked me if I felt a lot of pressure, and I did.  The doctor came in to see how I was doing and predicted I'd have a baby in about a half hour.

The nurse stayed with me for the rest of the labor and delivery, she had me look at my focal point or look at her and do the "hee hee hoo" breathing.  I didn't want to hee hee hoo.  I wanted to go home.  I wanted to get up and go home and I told her so.  John told me I couldn't go home, I was having a baby.  I told him that this baby having business is just stupid.  What did I think I was doing not getting an epidural.  He told me how proud of me he was.  I told him going natural was stupid, stupid, stupid.  He tried to remind me that I wanted to go natural.  I told him I didn't think I even wanted to have a baby anymore.  The nurse asked if I wanted some pain medication in my IV.  I asked her if it would make me loopy.  She said it would.  Knowing I was barely keeping it together sober, I declined the pain relief.  I still thought natural childbirth was stupid.

Suddenly Max was ready to come out.  I could feel him coming out.  I started screaming that "HE'S COMING OUT! HE'S COMING OUT!"  The doctor came in and checked me and announced that I was a 9+ and I could start pushing.  They laid the bed back down and I began howling that I didn't want to lay down!  Please don't make me lay down!  The doctor said if I didn't lay down the baby would come out on the bed instead of into his hands, which I thought would be just fine.  They made me lay down anyway.  The rest of the birth I just remember feeling as though I was being ripped in half from the inside out.  I don't know if I really pushed or not.  It seemed to me that Max was coming out whether I helped him by pushing or not.  I know I screamed because the nurse and the doctor both yelled back at me to stop screaming and to push.  It was very different from Alex's birth.  It seemed Alex came out in sections.  First his head, his shoulders, then the rest of him.  Max seemed to just come out in one big lump.  Somewhere above my head I heard John say "We had a baby!"  I think I was still screaming.  Max was born at 12:13 in the afternoon.

I remember someone asking John to cut the cord.  I still hadn't looked at our baby, I was laying on my back with my head and neck arched and I was wimpering because it was still hurting.  John followed the baby to the warming table to take pictures of him and the doctor told me if I gave one good push the placenta would come out and it would all be over.  I did and what a relief it was.  The pain stopped instantly.  I looked over and saw Max, and he was huge.  Big and healthy and crying. 

I apologized to the doctor for all the screaming and he said I did great and that he would have screamed even louder.  The doctor stitched up the tear, and John took a picture of me.  FInally someone handed Max to me and John kissed me and said "My wife is quite the bad ass!"  Another nurse poked her head into the room and said "I heard you have your baby!" and it occurred to me that I probably screamed so loud the enitre hospital heard me have my baby.

John asked me later if it was worth it.  If I regretted not getting the epidural.  I think in the midst of it, I deeply, desperately regretted not getting it, but now that it's over, I really feel like it was the right thing to do.  By the time I felt I needed the epidural, I was 45 minutes away from having the baby.  It would have been too late to get one anyway.  I'd have had to get it much earlier, and I really didn't feel like I needed pain relief at that point. John was a great partner and I know I couldn't have done it without him.  Having John by my side and his being an active participant in the birth was better than an epidural.  And, as painful as it was, it was also an amazing experience and I'm very glad I was able to do it.  We're done having babies, John will likely get "the snip" here pretty soon, but if we weren't, if I ever did get pregnant again, I'd definately do it the same way.