If someone came to me today and told me they were thinking of having a baby, I would tell them to run, not walk, to the closest doctor and have themselves sterilized immediately. That may seem a bit dramatic, but what you don't know is today I spent the entire afternoon holiday shopping with Alex. It took all my willpower not to call and schedule an appointment to have my tubes tied myself.
First off, I have to say that anyone who goes into Kohl's during holiday shopping season and takes the very last cart that has a child seat and that person does not have a child should be shot on sight. Not enough to kill them maybe, but definitely a flesh wound that would render them incapable of shopping for at least the rest of the season, because that person, that person is going to hell. Well, I don't believe in hell, but if I did, anyone taking a cart with a child seat that does not have a child is evil. Pure, unmitigated evil. There, I said it. I can guarantee you that if you take the last cart with a child seat and you don't have a child, there is no way that you need it as badly as the woman walking into Kohl's behind you carrying a 14 month old Tasmanian Devil. Hey, I would have even settled for a cart without a child seat and just had Alex stand up in the basket, but there weren't even any of those around. I thought I was smart, it was early, 10:30AM on a freaking WEDNESDAY, I mean, don't these people work? Why are they all at Kohl's anyway? Anyway, on to my story.
I was on the prowl for a gift for the person I drew for the Dillier Gift Exchange. I had a list, I had a mission. I also had a 25 pound spider monkey on my hip who had a mission of his own to attempt to break anything he could get his hands on. He ran around like he was high on speed, grabbing hangers, flashlights, holiday mugs, hats... At one point, I thought I'd lost him, only to find him hiding in a rack of winter coats.
I did manage to find the item I was looking for, and proceeded to the checkout at which point, the boy began to scream like a banshee and thrash around almost breaking my nose with his freakishly hard head all the while the woman ahead of me made the cashier double check every last one of her items to ensure she got the sale price. Meanwhile Alex had almost shoved an entire pair of holiday socks into his mouth. When I finally got to the cashier myself Alex's face was purple and streaked with tears and I was a sweaty mess from trying to lug around my items and wrestling the boy.
"How are you today" the cashier asked me. I just stared at her.
"I'd like to return this for a full refund please" I replied, nodding at my son who was attempting to do a full back bend over my arm.
"Do you have the receipt?"
"No, can I get store credit?"
"I"m sorry, I think you'll have to keep him"
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