My dog, my friend

I got a the worst possible call this morning from Midnight's vet.  He's been to see the vet four different times over the last couple of months due to blood in his urine and has been on four different antibiotics, none of which have been of any help.  So, this morning, I dropped him off to have a urinalysis and bladder x-ray done.  I went to work thinking about how I was going to pay for surgery or other expensive treatments that may need to be done.  And then, a few hours later, The Call.

The first thing the vet said was "I have bad news."  He then proceeded to tell me that Midnight had a massive tumor in his bladder.  He couldn't do a urinalysis on him because his bladder was full of blood.  He went on to explain that tumors of this type are usually malignant and generally, when they get this large, it means they've likely begun to spread the cancer to other parts of the body.

"OK" I said, still not fully understanding the enormity of what the doctor was telling me.  "What do we do now?  What are the next steps to take"

"You need to start saying goodbye"

My heart stopped beating.

"He will be in a lot of pain, there are no treatment options for canine bladder cancer.  You need to start saying goodbye."

"How long are we talking about here?"

"Weeks. Maybe days."

I left work shortly after having a mini breakdown at my desk and crying into my keyboard.  I went straight to the vet to pick up my dog.  When I got there, I sat down with the doctor and he showed me the x-ray. It didn't look good.  This thing was enormous.  Taking up over half of Middie's bladder.  The doctor explained to me that this was definately advanced.  The tumor is massive. He said that even from the external examination he did this morning, he could tell the tumor had grown from last week when Middie was in last.  The x-ray didn't surprise him.  I spoke with him at length about what I can expect, what will happen to Midnight in the next few weeks.  He told me he'll loose weight (he's been loosing weight steadily for a couple of months now, that I was crediting to diet dog food, apparently it was this cancer), he'll stop eating, he'll stop socializing with the family. He'll get grumpy, he'll be reluctant to move around much.  He'll vomit.  In essence, he'll be miserable.

I was given a couple of medications to take home with me.  To manage the pain and make Midnight more comfortable.  On the way home, I bought him a cheesburger and fries at McDonald's, but he only ate 2 fries and half of one bun and then threw it all up.  I gave him his pain meds and after fidgeting around and panting, he's now snoozing next to the sofa. He wasn't acting this miserable this morning, so I'm betting he's just sore from all the poking and prodding that was done to him today.

But still, I'm left to make the hardest decision.  I have to decide when enough is enough.  I have to decide how miserable I'll let him get.  It won't get better.  He will only get worse.  How bad is bad enough to let him go?  When will I look into his big brown eyes and say "Yea, you're ready buddy.  I won't let you hurt any more."  Maybe tomorrow? Maybe next week? It's hard to say. In the mean time, I'm trying to say goodbye to my best buddy, and I feel like my heart is being ripped out.