I'm going to do it. I really am this time. I'm going to wean Alex. Well, Alex is pretty much weaned, I need to wean myself. I've been threatening to stop breastfeeding since Alex was one week old. When Alex was three weeks old I was sure I would be the first woman to die from breastfeeding. When Alex was four weeks old I thought my nipples would fall off. When he was six weeks old, one of them did. Well, it didn't really fall off, but all the skin fell off and it looked like a tiny little hamburger patty on my boob. By the time Alex was three months old we had finally gotten the hang of nursing. My nipples were so tough you could take a chainsaw to them and it wouldn't hurt. Then, when he was five months old, he grew teeth. I decided I would wean him at six months, but when the time came, I just wasn't ready. I was worried that if I stopped nursing, I would loose the one thing that makes me stand out from everyone else in his life. I was worried that we would somehow loose that bond that we'd had. Now I am ready. I think. Alex is only nursing twice a day now. I'm not pumping at all anymore during the day and I finally feel that Alex and I have a real connection that isn't through my boobs.
There are things I will miss about it. I can't deny the intimacy of breastfeeding. As odd as it may seem, there is nothing more primal, more natural feeling than having your child nurse. He could be driving me absolutely crazy getting into things and eating carpet fuzz, but when he settles into my lap to nurse, he's my baby. My sweet, perfect baby. I think he likes the connection too. He wants to stare at me the whole time. Usually I'll be watching TV while he nurses and he'll yank on my hair like "Mama, look at me, we're supposed to be bonding here!"
Then there are the things I won't miss: Engorgement, leaking, bruised nipples from Alex biting me, ugly nursing bras...
And there is the thing I'm most afraid of: National Geographic boobs.
In the end, I will really miss breastfeeding. I want to cry just thinking about the last time I'll nurse him. But, I really feel like it's time. My goal is to be done at 9 months. He's bigger now, practically a toddler. He's eating three solid meals a day and I don't think he's really getting much benefit from breastfeeding anymore, not enough to continue anyway. I feel ready to have my body all to myself again. My body has been an Alex-incubating, Alex-feeding machine for 18 months now and I think it's time to have it be just Jamie's body again.
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