Nothing I can do

John's mother passed away yesterday.

I am not going to write about the circumstances surrounding her death.  That's private and certainly none of my business to write about.  However, since this blog is about me and my family and this event, this loss, is huge and will affect our lives.  Forever.  I feel like I need to address it somehow.

That said, I don't really know how or what to write.  John and I, and John's whole family, are still reeling from the shock of it.  I've been fumbling around just trying to find something I could do.  ANYTHING, to make this better, to make it easier, to make it not have happened at all somehow, which, of course is ridiuclous.  But my first instinct is to scream DO OVER!! I WANT A DO OVER!  Stop, rewind, and try again because yesterday went wrong.  SO very wrong and there has to be a way to do it over and do it right.

of course there's not.

Last night, John and I were up all night.  We talked for a while, but mostly we both just laid there, awake, quietly, both of us thinking.  At one point I rolled over and held him like he held me when my dad died.  But then the baby woke up and I had to attend to that and we ended up just laying in bed quietly, thinking until morning.

All that thinking made me realize that there are things I can do.  I can be supportive of John.  Be whatever he needs me to be, do whatever he needs me to do.  I can take care of Fancy, Diane's dog.  As John said, "She really loved that dog and I want to make sure she is taken care of".  And I can make sure that Alex and Max know about their Grandma Diane.  I can show them pictures of her, and tell them stories about her, and save the special things she made for them, so that they can appreciate them when they get older.  I can tell them that they had a grandma who loved them so very much and spoiled them beyond reason.  I can even remind Alex that he loved Grandma Diane "vewwy much" and she was at the hospital all night while I labored and when he was born she heard his first cries.  And she sat with me at Max's warmer when we weren't sure he was going to make it and when I thanked her for being there she said "nothing could keep me away. I need to be here".

I was lucky that I had a good realtionship with my mother-in-law, particularly the last couple of years, since the boys were born.  I loved Diane.  And I will miss her.  I do miss her.