Dreaming

I had my first dream about the new baby last night.  It was born premature and right after the birth, I rushed home to be with Alex and completely forgot about the baby altogether.  When I came back to the hospital, finally remembering I'd had a baby, it was several months later. I didn't even know what the gender was, so I just looked around at all the babies to see if I'd recognize one of them as my own.  I finally did.  It was a boy, looked just like Alex right down to the big blue eyes and long lashes, only this baby had lots of blond hair and someone had named him Thomas (though there was a football player in full uniform, presumably guarding the nursery, who insisted he looked more like a Jacob).  Since he was born premature, he was very tiny and sickly and for some reason, they had him sealed up in a little box, about the size of a shoebox, but made of glass, so no one could touch him.  Even though he'd never seen me before, when I picked up the glass box, he opened his eyes and smiled at me, like "Oh, you're here Mommy, I'd been waiting for you!".  I woke up immediately.

This dream is interesting to me because it represents one of my worse fears.  That I'll forget about this baby.  No, I don't think I'll leave it at the hospital for months, but I really do worry that this child will always run second to Alex.  Already I forget that I'm pregnant, realizing with a start that I don't even know if I've felt the baby move in the last few days.  I am so involved with Alex.  So crazy in love with Alex, how is this baby going to fit in?

I know this is a common fear, and I'm reassured by my friends that I will in fact love this baby just as much as I love Alex.  I'm sure they're right.  When Alex was born, I was surprised by how much I loved him.  I wasn't prepared for the intensity of my feelings for him.  I'll bet something just like that will happen when I have this baby too.  I hope so.