To train or not to train

I had this grand plan that before we had another child, Alex would be fully potty trained.  This plan looked easily doable when we were planning to get pregnant in the summer of 2008.  Instead, my husband sweet-talked me into letting him knock me up a full year earlier than originally planned.  This put a kink in my potty training plans because now, I've got to get Alex potty trained in six months or face two kids in diapers.

Here's the problem.  Alex doesn't seem ready yet.  He used to tell me when he pooped, but now he doesn't.  He doesn't seem to have any idea when he's peeing, unless he's out of his diaper and then he appears to intentionally pee on everything in the house.  And then there's the obsession with throwing things into and flushing the toilet.  If he is allowed full access to the toilet, we will undoubtedly have to put a plumber on retainer. 

My other concern is that if I try to get him potty trained now, I think we'll be more likely to have a relapse after the new baby is born.  I've heard and read many stories of kids having more accidents following a major life change.  I think getting a new sibling could easily qualify as a major life change for Alex.

So what do I do?  Friends of mine, experienced parents of boys similar in temperament to Alex tell me to wait.  In fact, don't even try to train him before he's three.  Then there's those who've potty trained their kids at 18 months or two years old who say it should be done now and I'm just being lazy (these are usually parents of girls incidentally). 

I've been introducing Alex to the potty for almost a year now.  We bought him his own potty chair when he was 18 months old, and he likes to go into the bathroom and sit on it when I go in to go myself.  He never makes a deposit, but at least he's not scared of it.  I've been reading books and articles on potty training and the consensus seems to be kids potty train between the ages of 2 and 4 on average and you'll have better success if you wait until he's ready instead of pushing it too early for the sake of convenience (or bragging rights: "well MY kid was using the toilet at nine months old.  clearly she's brilliant and your child is a brainless dolt.")  So here is a basic checklist for toilet training readiness  (my assessment of Alex's readiness in red):

Physical signs

• Can walk and run steadily. Walk?  Run, yes, but I haven't seen him walk since he was 18 months old.



• Urinates a fair amount at one time.  Check.



• Has regular, well-formed bowel movements at relatively predictable times.  The morning poop is predictable, but we occasionally get an unexpected poopfest in the afternoons or evenings.  I'm sure his pooping habits would be much more predictable if his eating habits were.  Which, they're not. At all.



• Has "dry" periods of at least three or four hours, which shows that her bladder muscles are developed enough to hold urine.  Sometimes.

Behavioral signs

• Can sit down quietly in one position for two to five minutes.  HA!  Ha ha ha ha ha!  You're kidding right?



• Can pull his pants up and down.  Down, yes.  Up?  But why?  That would mean he's further from being naked.



• Dislikes the feeling of wearing a wet or dirty diaper.  Dislikes wearing a diaper period.  Anything that denys him access to his beloved pee pee is of the devil as far as he's concerned, dirty or not.



• Shows interest in other's bathroom habits (wants to watch you go to the bathroom or wear underwear).  Interest is solely in what forbidden treasures can be found an played with in the bathroom cabinets while parent is on the pooper and thus, incapable of preventing bath oil from being poured on floor and tampons strewn around the room.



• Gives a physical or verbal sign when she's having a bowel movement such as grunting, squatting, or telling you.  Nope, always seems to come as a complete surprise.



• Demonstrates a desire for independence.  Oh HELL yes!



• Takes pride in his accomplishments.  Yes.



• Isn't resistant to learning to use the toilet.  Isn't resistant, but not really interested. Has on several occasions used the potty seat as a hat however.



• Is in a generally cooperative stage, not a negative or contrary one.  We're about 50/50 cooperative vs maniac on the loose

Cognitive signs

• Can follow simple instructions, such as "go get the toy."  If he feels like it, sure.



• Understands the value of putting things where they belong.  Not even a little bit.  I mean, have you seen our house?



• Has words for urine and stool. "Pee pee" and "poo poo"



• Understands the physical signals that mean he has to go and can tell you before it happens or even hold it until he has time to get to the potty.  Has not shown the slightest hint of recognizing that he needs to pee or poop.  Usually he will pee if you take his diaper off and let him run around, but then I'll find him squatting somewhere else, desperately trying to make a new puddle, not quite getting the fact that his bladder has already been emptied into his Mega blocks wagon.

I think my overall feeling is that right now, he is not ready.  He may be ready in a few months, but I really worry about trying to potty train him just before he is to become a big brother.  I think I need to just wait.  Wait until we've had this new baby.  Wait until Alex has gotten used to the new family dynamic.  Essentially, wait until he's about three, and look at the checklist again, make sure he's ready, make sure we're (or rather, I am, as we all know John is a total wuss when it comes to all things potty related) ready to commit to being consistent and follow through with Alex while we've got a screaming newborn in our arms.