What the hell is my problem? Here I have the best life in the world and yesterday I end up giving my poor husband the business because he *gasp* went golfing. Something I TOLD him to do. While I was arguing with him on the phone, I kept thinking "why the hell am I mad at him?" But of course, I kept on arguing all the same.
By the end of the evening, I think I figured out what my stupid issue was. I was jealous. John gets to just up and go golfing if he wants to. He gets to just up and go hunting for the weekend with his dad and brother if he wants to. He gets to spend time just surfing the Internet if he wants to. He gets to poop without an audience. Me? Not so much. For me to do something, I have to arrange for someone to watch the child. I have to make sure everything is in order (he's fed, clean, napped and happy...etc.). And then when I do go out, the entire time, all I think about is Alex. Is he OK? Is he hungry? Did I make sure I left him with enough diapers? Maybe I should call and make sure he hasn't fallen down the stairs or poked his eye out, or got a raisin stuck in his ear... I seem to be completely incapable of turning off Mom, even for the shortest period of time to enjoy something on my own. John, however, doesn't have that weight of responsibility sitting square on his shoulders 24/7. He's able to go to work and think about work. He's able to go golfing and think about golfing. He's able to get on line without googling ear infections and diaper rash.
John tells me to just leave the baby with him. Take some time for myself. He can watch the baby. I should get out. And I desperately want to. I so want to just go get my hair cut, or sit and read a book, or go to a movie...anything and actually be able to let go, just enjoy it. But it always seems like more stress than it's worth. So I don't and then, when John takes his breaks, I get resentful. How come he can just shuck all of his parental responsibilities and be gone all weekend? What about me? It's a stupid cycle that I can't seem to short circuit. But I need to. I can't fault John for needing a break from all of his responsibilities once in a while. And it's certainly not his fault that I can't seem to ever break from "mom mode". And I'm no good to Alex if I'm all wound up and snippy. Mommy's no fun that way. So I'm going to work on that. I'm going to try to steal some "me time" once in a while and really make an effort to just relax and know that Alex is perfectly fine if I'm not around.
No comments:
Post a Comment